Is it really to late? Who knows....

[lost18]

I feel like I'm at a standstill and not sure what to do next. Have been listening to several podcasts and rereading DR. Reflecting I know I still have to work on my interactions with H, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells sometimes.

Every time I see him on his phone I still want to smash it! I know this is all on me and I need to find a way to stop letting it affect me. I am able to talk myself down when I find myself dwelling on it.

We are just in this holding pattern, no move toward reconciling, no move toward D!

We are going north again this summer and he has told his sister and her family as well as his brother that they can stay at our place. It's going to be a tight squeeze! I'm fine with that I just wish he would've maybe asked me first. I told him that my brother and niece were staying there too (they aren't) and he was like "I wish you would've said something to me" Really?!?!?! Hmmmm...I wonder where he is planning on sleeping...

Oh, also said we don't have enough "4-wheelers" for everybody so he was thinking about buying another one! What?!?!

Of course it's tax time, we did have some issues with them but we got it fixed and we are actually getting a return for once! He's so weird with money now (basically it's his, he does give me money for bills, groceries and such but he buys whatever he wants with "his" money). Anyway, I asked him if he had plans for the taxes (I figured he was planning on jeep parts) and told him there were some things I was hoping to do...I'm excited I'm finally getting a desk for the office and new carpet for D16's and "his" bedroom! So I was happy that he was willing to spend $$ for home improvement.

Ok, enough about things I don't understand and have control over....

Have worked all week and actually seem to be getting a bit more work...at least until summer!

I have started my gratitude list again, I really need to focus on what I DO have. Along with that I made a list of the reason's I want to save my marriage, bottom line is I still love my H and I do see potential for us to have a great marriage but of course that will take both of us. Just reinforcing that I am doing this for the right reasons and not only out of fear. I also made a list of some things I want to do for GAL, I am just going to have to make the time to do the ones I can and stop putting my life on hold.

So this should be an interesting weekend, H's friend (the one he was going to go visit a few weeks ago) is here for the weekend...I wonder how much he knows about what's going on here and if he knows about OW. oops...more I can't control!