For the LBH who has a WW Part 3

[sandi2]

Whatever you all want to discuss is fine with me, as long as we can help support each other, and learn together. My main goal is trying to help the newcomers. Hopefully, we have at least given them a lot to consider all those nights they can't sleep.

If anyone is struggling with feeling responsible for the WW's affair, or other actions, they can speak up.

Until then, I may take another turn in the topic and copy & paste a list I rapidly threw together when I sent that post to Alpha this morning. He had several questions about what to expect next from his WW, which it difficult to give a general answer. He referred to a post in the former thread where I spoke about the WW going through a process (or journey, if you prefer), and he wanted to know the steps in that process. Again, it's hard to answer that particular question without knowing more details in the stitch. In fact, it's not an unreasonable request. Just don't know that I ever thought or tried to break it down in stages. If anyone would like to share your thoughts and experiences regarding the stages or steps during their WW journey, please feel free.

It's easier, for me, to list some things the WW will need to do in order to reconcile, honestly and completely, with her H. If you see something that needs to be added, feel free.

These are in no special order.

1). Consequences! And taking a hit with hard, maybe a painful loss of some kind.
2). Realizing the connection between her decisions with the consequences/loss.
3). Accepting responsibility for her decisions...and for every loss,
and every hurt she caused those she loves and who loves her.
4). Accepting and dealing with the consequences, without blaming anyone but herself.
5). Making a conscious choice to end her wayward direction and turn around.
6). Seeking guidance and/or spiritual counsel to guide her in how to cleanse her heart of the wrong attitudes, selfcenterness, resentment, rebellion.......whatever she carries that is unhealthy.
7). To be remorseful.  If necessary, even seek spiritual help, pray, whatever......to feel remorse for the destruction her decisions and feelings has caused her H.  She has to feel true remorse in order to emotionally reconcile and heal properly.
8). To completely forgive her H for everything in the past. To release the blame,anger, and hurt she held throughout their M.
9).  To be wiling to do whatever it takes for the MR to heal.
10). To agree and cooperate with the H's choice of transparency plan (accountability), sending a NC letter, having any medical tests, ending any friendships out of his request, (and of course, any contact with OM), place of employment, giving him requested information, attending MC, or anything else the H may request in order to ensure the success of their reconciliation, and the safety of the MR.
11). Accept/agree, without resentment, that she is in no position to give her H any "conditions" to her going back into the MR.  And, to accept without resentment, that the greatest level of work in piecing the M back together, must come from her.
12). To accept that it will take time for her healthy emotions to be restored.  To realize and accept she cannot measure the success of their progress by her feelings.
13). To be informed, and accept, that she must go through withdrawals from her AP, and could experience depression. She needs to understand this is normal, and not a sign that she will have never have feelings for H.
13).  And the hardest one of all.........learn to forgive herself.

 Keep in mind, these things will not all come about at one time. Neither will she be able to know without someone guiding her.  It is really important she has help or coaching from an unbiased source who is pro-marriage and is familiar with piecing after an affair.