For the LBH who has a WW Part 3

[Kramer]

Thanks Zeus126, I appreciate your perspective a lot. It's not so far from mine as I also wish that my W had been as sincere as me when pronouncing her vows. I have this mental image of her eyes full of tears looking into mine as she said them, not five years ago. I'm immensely hurt as I feel she's taken advantage of me.

The slight difference is that, in my view, the M can be ended as long as the spouses follow a "protocol". It would never be a surprise to either spouses. There would be some serious talks, improvement plans, MC, etc until one consistently fails to deliver his share. W and I had agreed on this and even criticized our friends who S or D overnight. As sandi2 said, past beliefs of the WW are no guide for her current behavior.

I'm upset that my W mentioned S when it was a done deal. I would have taken an ultimatum, a break, a deadline — anything telling me that she had reached her breaking point. She wrote me this email about feeling miserable, but it was in the heat of an argument and she had her share of blame in it, so I took her messages as part of this discussion. I realize now that I was blind, that it was more important than that. What would have opened my eyes, and did, was the S word. She never told me until her decision was made, in a haste.

OK, I have been following this thread and really like the robust discussions that it has generated. Your post, in particular, struck a nerve as that is exactly what my wife has done. We had what I thought was a perfect relationship and knew each other well, but apparently not well enough. What I thought were conflicts and disagreements over the last few months apparently were deal breakers and "last straws" for her. Interesting that she has been "miserable for years", and yet never mentioned leaving, separation, or divorce until she started affair and I discovered it. We were cuddling, holding hands, and making future plans until I found out on NYE, and she filed for divorce 1 week later. No counseling, no trial separation, just straight to divorce. I am nothing but a stranger to her now, and she has told all of her friends how horrible I was and how miserable she was. Of course, the reality is that she has OM, and wants to be with him ASAP without feeling guilty. Makes my head spin, and very very painful that I was discarded so easily.