Maybell XXXIII: Towanda!!!!

[Maybell]

I wouldn't have recommended the Spiritual Divorce to you before now, but I think you would now find her message uplifting. Then go for the Secret of the Shadow. I think you in particular would find her exercises for that book insightful and helpful. In fact, Claire, if you're reading, this would be a great read for you as well. It's all about owning who you are, and addresses some of the FOO issues we bring forth into our current lives. Let's have a discussion on that book when you both read it, and it will give me the chance to go back and re-read it as well.

Thank you for these. You're right, I wouldn't have been ready to tackle these before now (and in fact I checked out the Finnamore book from the library before I was really ready to read it) -- but I think I'm ready now. I'll get the Spiritual Divorce one tonight and get started on it.

I'm not sure how much less angry I am at STBX than I was, but I'm meeting him tomorrow afternoon to talk about selling the house. I need to get that done so I can start really pursuing the one I want (could it really be attainable?????) I'm going to try to keep my ultimate goals in mind when I'm near him. He already agreed to leave more promptly when he's dropping off the kids, which will help a ton.

Things with the kids are in a really good place at the moment. As a consequence for telling lies about their homework, both boys lost electronics this week, which makes it in effect for the whole family. Interestingly, we've all been MUCH more peaceful this week. MUCH more. We may be reserving electronics for just the weekends (like Saturday mornings). S7 has decided that he wants to be a chef so last night he helped me make dinner. It was the cutest thing ever. I had him mix an Asian peanut sauce from scratch from a recipe. He needed help but we had a great time together and he took it quite seriously.

We all sat down very nicely for dinner and said the blessing and I was just thinking "Wow, this is really nice," when S7 said, "Something feels different." I looked around at all of us and each kid and I were all smiling. And it was different. We had a great meal. (I asked them each what they did at school to be kind and D12 said she had volunteered to be on the team of a girl nobody likes for being weird. I was really proud of her for that.)

S9, too, has decided that he wants to start cooking so he's taken to pan-searing his vegetarian sausage patties for breakfast every morning. He's terrifying in all other ways because he's so forgetful, but he takes the cooking of the breakfast very seriously and I love to see him standing there so confidently in front of the stove. He does a good job too, even though it's such a different task than what S7 liked to do.

This morning I mentioned again that the kids would be spending the evening with their dad and S9 observed that since he had promised them not to have grilled cheese sandwiches again for a while that they'd probably be eating out, because grilled cheese is all he ever makes. This isn't strictly true, but it made me sad for STBX that he's missing so much of what is fun about parenting these kids. Especially since his learning to cook at a young age is a big part of what he really enjoyed about his childhood and it was something we enjoyed doing together early in our marriage.

I wish he would find himself so he could share it with the kids. They revel in closeness. They are delightful to be around and interesting to discover. He could get so much fulfillment from them if he only realized how much there is to them.

Maybe it's just that things are starting to look like they might come together for me, but I do feel freer and happier again. I don't like that I had to go through this but I like starting to feel strong and confident and empowered. I am wondering how to help my children feel this way right out the gate -- not entitled, but supported enough that they can tackle anything with confidence. It would be so nice for them to start out life believing in themselves. But maybe that's a vain hope. Maybe we all have to go through the fire.

I'm looking forward to seeing what I learn from the Debbie Ford book. Betsey, I hope you're feeling better!

Hey, I also wanted to say -- I'm so glad I upgraded the washer & dryer last summer! I agonized over that purchase, but it was worth it. I can't imagine Operation DeLouse without them. And I just want to mention -- I very respectfully made that purchase with STBX's full knowledge and blessing and it cost SIGNIFICANTLY less than the stupid computer he sneak-purchased in January. So there.