You know - I've been checking in on this thread in and all day and I keep having this feeling I am watching an old Miller Lite commercial. "Tastes Great!" vs. "Less Filling!"
Well, yeah, and besides that, I'm pretty sure that what Sandi asked was more like "what do you like better, beer or wine?":
Originally Posted By: sandi2
When I first arrived on the board, I was a WW who had the resentment, disrespect, rebellion......and defensiveness. I went head to head with some who hit me with the truth that I was completely responsible for my A. Naturally, I wanted to blame my H. "If he had responded to my emotional needs, I would not have been vulnerable to someone else". I think I actually said something very similar to that statement.
It may be in just a few of the threads I read, IDK, but is there some blame shifting taking place in the thinking of newcomer LBH'S? Recently, it seems we are seeing the LBH accepting all the blame for the actions of his WW. It concerns me for several reasons, but I will try to wait to post it later, and give you a chance to express your thoughts.
Many of us have tried to explain that the H may have had a part in the breakdown of the MR, b/c they usually do, and some have a bigger part than others. Some men have no clue as to what they could have done to cause such an affect on her unhappiness to lead to an A. Part of the early information we give the newcomer is to help them look at themselves, dig deep and see the areas that were weak and needs work. I believe the LBS and/or the WAS who comes to the board, needs to go through the deep self-examination.
After the self-examination, we usually see that newcomer hit wit guilt, sadness, anger at themselves, etc. Some of them become very empathic toward their WAS. They want to write letters of apology or do something to show her his sorrow and regret. Even if we tell him it won't fix things, he has such a need to make it right with her. He wants her to know that he finally sees what she put up with all that time.
Since this thread is about WW's, I want to keep the central thought in that direction. It is good for a man to see where he failed, in order to make corrections and improvements. It is good for him to empathize with his W. It is good that he can own his part of the breakdown in the M. I personally believe it may even be necessary in some cases, to prevent self-righteousness. We all make mistakes in M, but some have serious, devasting results.
No matter the role, I hope everyone here agrees that each adult is responsible for the actions they choose from a free will. A woman puts her wayward heart into action, and willingly goes against her H and/or what is "right" and she is completely responsible for those actions.
I also hope newcomer H's will be able to see that he shares part of the breakdown. Maybe he is responsible for how she felt at times in the M, but it's still up to her as to how she deals with her feelings. It was her choice to cling to the hurt or anger and let it grow into a deep resentment. Maybe he didn't even know how she felt. Maybe she never explained in a way that got his attention. Her emotional needs were not completely met.......his needs were not completely met, and they just tried to make the best of things......or so he thought.
Then one day maybe some guy at work winks at her and it makes her feel good, so she responds in some flirty way. It's just all in fun, right? But over time, one little thing leads to another, b/c her ego is being fed and it feels good. She tells herself it means nothing and she has done nothing wrong. The guy gives her compliments, or seems very interested in what she says or the work she does.......whatever, he pays special attention to her, making her feel sexy, or beautiful, or important. The whole experience is lifting her self-confidence as a woman. She begins looking forward to seeing him on the job b/c she feels excited and alive. Let me stop and ask you, is her H responsible thus far?
As her feelings grow into an emotional affair, is the H responsible? As the contacts and time spent with her coworker expands and the EA eventually turns physical, is the H responsible?
Instead of me continuing to just give my comments, I welcome anyone who would like to join in and give thoughts along this subject, b/c do we have a few newcomers who need some guidance here.
I think we've veered off the topic here. What Sandi was pointing out was why betrayed husbands seemed to feel guilty (and even take responsibility for) their wife's decision to have an affair (and further seemed to imply that these feelings of guilt might be affecting the effectiveness of their DBing). And she wanted LBH's views on that.
Somehow that morphed into FWW's view on whether or not they took their vows seriously. It's all great debate, but I don't think it's what Sandi was asking us all to ponder.
