I'm new to your sitch but I'd concur with what the others say. I've been really bad at the whole "the end" thing but it's something you need to work on yourself if you want to DB.
So far in my sitch the past 8 months saw w leave taking my s and never wanted to see me again, that it was impossible for us to be back together:"The End", she was living at her mothers looking to have somewhere of her own "The End", I moved from the flat we shared to my own rented house "The End" and so on.
Now she's considering her options not ruling us in but not ruling us out a huge shift due to her observing the changes and 180s in me over the past 8 months, it's all a long, long road but it's not the end until YOU decide you want it to be.
Ultimately you and your w can both end the relationship it will take both of you to continue it, you only control one side of that. D isnt necessarily the end as Mozza says but only you know if you can continue or not. Dont let an external event no matter how serious tell you when that time is.
All my best thoughts to you, take it easy on yourself and try to breathe and relax.
Edz
Last edited by edz; 03/26/1512:52 PM.
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
I get what you both are saying, the problem is, the Divorce is the end to me. Once that paper is signed, my mentality will be "we are done" and I can move forward without her. This isn't what I wanted, nor is it going to be what I want, but I have to do what is right for myself and my children. Even if it means moving on without her.
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
My take on the mediation thing, you can go as slow or as fast as you want. If you are not ready to be "done" then don't mediate any more. This mediation is volunatry and it takes "time" to come to your decisions. Take as long as you need until you feel confident "the end" is what you really want.
Some mediations take years to resolve - just saying in case you are freaking out by some imaginary deadline of mediation sessions.
Thank you HeavyD. She is in charge of setting up the mediation appointments, not me. I won't do it.
In one hand, I want to be done, I want the closure so I can move on. I feel like I have been in limbo for FAR too long and need to move on (she is dating other people btw). The other part of me wants to fight to get her back. I am GALing my ass off, doing the 180, deleted her on FB (along with her friends) and just focusing on myself and kids lately. But it just [censored], because I want to be happy and I am really miserable inside. I am not sure how much more I can take before I finally set the last appointment and move forward.
I know she is asking about me and what I am up to, which is a step in the right direction, she just refused to believe my changes are real and not something that I am doing to "win her back". Is this common with WW? She moved out almost 1 1/2 months ago, there have been talks about R, but they quickly taper off with her saying "We can't go back to that...", "What will people say?", "It's not what I want." and for the first time I got the "ILYBNILWY" from her. That one hurt a little.
I do love her, I always have and frankly I think I fell for her the first time I saw her. Even though it took a good 2 years before we even started dating. But the pain she is causing me is quickly killing that love, it's making me depressed to deal with it, it's really driving me mad. And that is the worst part, I just feel so freaking helpless in my life, like this is all out of my control and nothing I do will change it. I sit in OUR house, day after day, working on it to sell and working from home, getting worse and worse. Sure I go out from time to time, but I need to get out more I guess.
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
#1. When she schedules mediation, don't go! You don't have to let her call the shots and mach to her orders. Repeat, you do not have to participate in this any further if you don't want to. Tell the mediator that you are thinking things over. Period. This can go on for months if not years to take pressure off you. She is pressuring you into making a decision that she wants. You are in the power seat - not her.
Oh, because after our last mediation, the paperwork goes to the courts and we are divorced.
EyeTie, my wife and I nearly divorced. She had an affair in the summer of 2007, it ended that August, and we had some fits and starts for nearly two years of piecing thereafter. It went so far as me having her served with D papers, and us each retaining our own attorneys, and eventually meeting -- twice -- with a divorce mediator. We had gotten as far as divvying up who-had-which-holidays with the kids, etc., etc., before we stepped back from the abyss and finally reconciled once and for all.
And as pointed out above, people also do get remarried to their original spouse as well -- I believe the figure is 20%, with nearly all of them reporting that the new marriage is FAR better than the original one.
There is still hope, for sure. I'm happy that thru the grace of God and our own hard work at it, my wife and I have since celebrated the birth of two granddaughters (with another one on the way in Sept.!), our 25th wedding anniversary, and will this summer be celebrating our 30th and renewing our vows.
I think you are confusing validation with detachment.
Here is a quote from the Board:
Detachment is a control issue because:
* It is a way of de-powering the external "locus of control" issues in your life and a way to strengthen your internal "locus of control."
* If you are not able to detach emotionally or physically from a person, place or thing, then you are either profoundly under its control or it is under your control.
* The ability to "keep distance" emotionally or physically requires self-control and the inability to do so is a sign that you are "out of control."
She is actively having an affair and disrespecting you, your marriage and your kids. And now she schedules the mediation sessions and expects your to attend? Do you want this divorce? If not, take back the control.
This is not about catering to her, as she is in an active affair, she is not logical, she is in rebellion, you are the enemy, you however are trying to save your marriage, is that right?
Don't let her persuade you that it's over until YOU say it's over!!!
Starsky, so you were able to put a stop to everything and save your marriage? Bravo! I am doing everything I can do to make that happen, it's just really hard atm.
Heavy, thank you, you have a point. Deep down I want to save my marriage, I am deluding myself into thinking I don't. So maybe I won't be as adamant about our next mediation appointment.
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
D is just a formality. Once you accept that you will be D'd then I think you will be able to move forward better.
You decide when it's over. It's over when. You decide you no longer want to keep doing this.
Let your W miss you, be neighborly to her, let her see your best side. Think about when you first meet someone-- you don't really know them but you want to be friendly, you don't want to come off rude because you want that person to think highly of you.
I used to think when people posted to me, I am detached. Then a poster said to me - your H knows you're still there. I can tell from your posts. It radiates from you when you're still pursuing even if you're not actively doing anything to pursue.
