Alpha - the future is now!

[alpha99]

It's a lovely sunny spring afternoon here, the kind of afternoon where I would normally take the children to the park at the end of the road and play football, come home and have our tea, play some games, watch tv, cuddle them and send them off to bed. Today I don't get to see them at all.

W called back and uhm'd and arh'd about whether we should go out tonight or tomorrow (I'm guessing she had msgs back saying so and so can't make it for a night out or whatever). I might be wrong but it would seem I'm the second choice here. I knew I should have set out a boundary and stuck to making it tomorrow that we go out. Now she has dilly dallied around and I look like I'm free any time to pick up the family pieces.

I have a traditional view of family: H, W, children...all at home together. Not having that, not having control of the fate of that even, is hard to come to terms with.

I think you're right Starksy, I think I do need counselling. I have been told that there is a 6 month waiting list for NHS funded counselling. Privately funded counselling is expensive. I don't think I can afford it right now. Maybe my parents could help here. I am not au fait with the different kinds but I'm assuming you mean I go along to marriage counselling on my own?

I don't think I have been pursuing though. I think I've called her once in about the best part of two weeks, maybe texted once as well. I don't know if I NEED her, but I desperately WANT her. Not just because she is my W and I love her, but because she is the mother of my children and I want them to have the best start in life. However good a job she does alone, or we do co-parenting, it is never going to be a match for what could have been had we been happy and together as a family. I know clearly she wasn't happy but the frustrating thing is that if she had sat me down and gone through her issues with me, I would have taken them on board and done something about it.

Years ago I was hospitalised and told I couldn't drink any alcohol for six months. I didn't touch a drop. I'm not a big drinker anyway, even when I was younger, but the fact that it had to be done meant I did it. If she'd said X has to stop from now on, or could you do Y for me please, then I really would have took on board what she said. That is the most frustrating part - the things that are broken are easily fixable but she won't give me the chance to show her that.

I like the folk duo 'The Milk Carton Kids'. I'm on their mailing list and got an email last night announcing a new album and preview of a track. I listened to it but had to stop it half way through. My W and I went to see them about 18 months ago and every moment the song was on was just a reminder of that time. It hurts when I can't listen to music I like because it takes me to a happier time. This reminds me of a Nick Drake line:

Life is but a memory
Happened long ago
A theatre full of sadness
From a long forgotten show.

OK, now I'm crying.