Onwards and upwards.

[Barry]

Hello everyone.
Thank you all for your kind words of advice and comfort.

I didn't intend to alarm anyone with talk of suicide, or play the victim. As I say, the thoughts of my kids always stop me in my tracks. I'll be honest though in that if I didn't have them, there's a big chance I wouldn't have made it this far. I actually find that hard to digest. Surely I shouldn't want to live "just" because of my children, but that's what it's been like for me recently.
I can totally see how people get to the stage that they do it.

I'm already on anti-depressants...strong ones. I have been since Christmas. I see my GP regularly, I've been seeing an IC (although I have taken a break from it at her suggestion to attend an Emotional Wellbeing Course at my local college). I've been reading the books and talking to trusted close friends and family. I've had little to NC with W and it was all helping to a degree. I really felt like I was DB'ing well, and I felt as good as could be expected right up to the day that W made me this offer to buy her out of our home.

We'd initially agreed on a six month separation (obviously I hoped that we would R at the end of this period, or at least make a start on piecing), but she didn't even get a third of the way through that before letting me know she wanted out. I found it really difficult to deal with that and it really knocked me back to day one again. I've struggled ever since then really.

My GAL has been terrible lately. I've had no energy, no zest for life, just sadness and heartache. I know GAL works as it got me through the first 6 weeks - I need to get back to that, but without ANY thoughts of R now. It's just not going to happen.

My PMA (needless to say) has been awful since then too. It's almost like W saw me that day, and thought "Barry looks like he's really coping well and looks great - let me just knock him back down to Earth". I'm sure it wasn't that deliberate but OMG, how did she expect it to make me feel??

I've hardly see the kids lately either (I have talked to them on the phone of course). This is partly because I've been in a bad place emotionally and I don't want them to see me like that any more. It's also that I can't go to my house to see them, we can't relax in my parents house, and I'm so worried about the immediate future that I haven't wanted to spend any money on anything (fun activities with the kids etc) until I know what's going to happen.

I will add here that W has not stopped going out (not with the kids - she hasn't done anything with them), or spending money on herself. She doesn't need to worry about money - only when Barry will be able to come up with a way to get more.

I know it was a stupid thing to do but I sat in front of my W and sobbed my heart out the other night and she litteraly didn't care. Honestly, my W has always been the sort of person to offer comfort to a tramp in the street if she saw someone upset. She's wrecked the only life I ever wanted and I'll never forget that. Maybe one day I'll forgive her...but forget - no chance.

I respectfully dissagree Mozza when you say that I've not been MADE to feel like this. I understand your point in that it's my reaction to it that's the issue but I wouldn't be in the position to make any kind of reaction if W wasn't doing it!!! I'm normally prety good at rolling with the punches in life but this one feels too much like a knock-out blow.

When I spoke of feeling like a sham, it's not that I come here and write things that I think you all want to hear so that you'll send me away with a pat on the back etc. I was trying to say (badly maybe) that not just on this forum but in "the real world" too, I've been trying to "fake it till I make it", or act "as if" I'm accepting all of this. That was also working up to a point, I HAD started to accept it.

If I hadn't been stopped in my tracks by the finance issues, I would have filed already.
The momentum behind my progress came to a screeching halt then.

I'm still in limbo as of today, but I just wanted to say thank you to you all for your concern.
I'll keep you up to date with any changes.

Barry.