Zelda - reflecting and grieving

[Zelda09]

Been trying to stuff everything into that little box Cadet described. Been trying to see the sides of my H that were always concerning to me.

Had a pretty good morning, coached some folks this morning, walked a dog with a neighbor friend (managed to STFU about H, YAY.) and chose to go into work on my day off. So there's that.

I had a realization that feels like it answers some of my points at the beginning of this thread - it is not about WHO he was. It is about what he felt. He referenced seeing me as the enemy, even during piecing. The anger, that is psych told him to work through by loving me. All of this borne out of intense disappointment (founded on some very unrealistic expectations, I believe) and an ability to ruminate in negative feelings for people I've rarely seen matched. I believe he did love me. And felt a duty to try his best. V wrote to me about 'parts' of us - there is a party of my H -STBX- that is a very good man trying very hard. And there is a part of him that is an enraged child.

That is what happened that night. I poked him in a wound, a spot where he was likely disappointed in himself. And none of that got processed. He threw so much anger at me and coldness the next days.

So. Do I want to be with a man that hates me? No...I wish he wouldn't, but I can't grovel and control that.
Do I want to be with a man that, when asked about change, says it will take years? No. People want to change, and they go after it with everything they have.

I am actually feeling pretty good today. It is my first good day, after the initial ones of feeling resolved. Thank you all for listening to me vent.