I wish there was a way to "like" Bug's post. Like her, when I started this journey, I thought it was mumbo jumbo to focus on the positives. At the time, I felt it was a version of sticking my head in the sand because there *were* things to worry about. Those things will always be present, so...
A couple days ago, someone put a saying up on FB that I really wish I could have captured to put here and sprinkle it like fairy dust to those who need to hear it. It went something like this, "If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you're living in the future." Let's take any clinical diagnoses out of that equation and just settle on the general reality of it. It's true.
When I started this journey, I was a few months away from turning 41 with kids who were 8 and 5. I lived in a house that we had moved to just 2 years prior, and it was a honey-do project house in a great neighborhood with a great upside and in the best part of our school district (which we chose because of our youngest's diagnosis). It had a huge 3 car garage (built for those 80s cars) and it was winter when my XH moved out. We got one of the biggest snowstorms Denver has ever seen that March, and as I was shoveling with my then D9, I was really angry with him and verbally saying nasty things. He was off living in an apartment (and I didn't know where it was because he wouldn't tell me) and having a great time watching the snow fall and drinking hot toddies all day. I was stuck with kids that had a severe case of cabin fever and that shoveling was non stop. Anyway, my then D9 snapped and just stood there and yelled at me, "Jeez, Mom! Give it up already! You've got a roof over your head, plenty of food in the house, people who love you, we have 2 shovels and I'm helping you. STFU and be grateful!"
It was my very first introduction on "what you focus on expands". Because what she said was more than true. What I found out later was that he was holed up in his apartment and wondering what we were doing. It bothered him that he wasn't filling his duties as the man of the house, and he felt guilty. What a total waste of energy and time. It will never mean that life is perfect, because it's not. But the quicker you can get on board with accentuating the positives, the quicker you get on board with the happiness thing.
I hated the same things you did and had a list of things I hated about being divorced with kids, living on my own. But my annivorcery is coming up on 10 years, and here's what I can tell you I LOVE about being on my own.
1. I'm the boss of me and my household. I make good decisions, am reasonable, and I parented responsibly knowing that I would make the right call for the right reason.
2. I enjoyed deciding on the fly whether or not I was going to eschew chores for more fun things. My XH is of Norwegian descent and grew up in a household of people who valued hard work. All.The.Time. I respect the hell out of it. But sometimes you have to recognize that there is time for fun too. So rather than feel guilty about reading a book on the patio instead of mowing the lawn, I reveled in the joy that I felt by deciding to do what made me happy at that time.
3. There were no more fights about the TV. See #2 for the reason behind it. He grew up thinking a little TV was ok, but that it was primarily a bad thing. I happen to have grown up with kind of the same value, but the kicker? I love sports. I will watch sports that I love, including baseball. During baseball season. Every night. Of course, I usually have it on for sound and will work around it, but it makes me happy. I am the boss of my remote, and it thrills me.
4. See #2 for mores about mealtime. A big healthy meal, with all of us seated at the table was his preference. It's nice. But my now D21 and I learned early on that eating dinner in the family room - together, as a family - was just as acceptable during a hockey game. In fact, now it is our preference. We're still together, we're still talking, but we're where we like to be during meals.
Add on note to #4 - I grew up having breakfast for dinner once a week as well. I loved it. He hated it, so we didn't. When he moved out, I reinstated it, much to the delight of my girls, who still love having omelettes or waffles for dinner. And on very special occasions, we opt for all dessert dinners or all appetizer dinners. He would *never* go for that, Claire. Ever. I can guarantee you that when my D21 gets home from college, one of her first meal requests will be appetizers for dinner. And of course, I will oblige. We won't be inviting her dad either.
5. Washing my car whenever I felt like it. Scheduling mani/pedis whenever I felt like it.
In short, I found out that I was far less a rulz girl than I pegged myself to be. I was a rulz girl because he had rulz. And yes, looking back, I think he had a lot of fears that surrounded his self imposed rules. To this day, he doesn't eat dinner in front of the TV. He turns it off and turns on music. I've learned to appreciate that in him. Because if he's at peace, so are we. But at my house? I am a whole lot more "go with the flow" in my 50s, and not so stuck on rules. Rules are good, as long as they are not working against you most of the time.
Once I got the hang out of appreciating what IS, it was a whole lot easier to be grateful for what IS. And living a grateful and abundant life manifests in wonderful, magical ways... not the least which is to teach your kids to live grateful lives early on. What a wonderful gift to give them!
In the same vein of what I said to Maybell and what Mozza said to you, how do you want to be? How do you want your friends and family to see you? What actions can get you to that place where you see yourself in a more positive light? The older I get, the more important it is for me to be authentic, with myself and others. That seems to be the sticky note on my forehead that goes with me wherever I go. Treat others as I want to be treated. How they respond doesn't matter. It matters the most what *I* think of me, and those who love me as well.
Getting back to thinking in a more positive light. Because I tended to focus on the negative, I let that one go first. Then I gave Ms. Positive the chance to chime in. It was always easier to embrace the last word when I let it happen that way.
Keep going! Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
We won't be inviting her dad either. 
