For the LBH who has a WW Part 3

[sandi2]

Alpha, I wanted to respond to some of the questions you had. As I said, I don't have all the answers, but we can always talk about the issues.

The situation you have about not being allowed to have your kids overnight, and you have to visit them under her supervision, is that a court order? B/c if that is just your W calling the shots, I think you need to have legal representation. She seems to think it's fine for you to pick the kids up and take to school.

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Are there any points when the script becomes reality in your experience here, and how would one know when that moment has occurred?

If you could be more specific, or give an example from your stitch, I may be able to give a better answer. As I said in the last thread, script does not necessarily mean lit's all ies, but it is usually said out of high emotion and usually not accurate. There is also the BS that WW's spew, so that is why you have to keep your head clear and your feet planted firmly, or it will shake your foundation.

In the beginning of the crises when she drops the bomb, etc., I would say not to believe what you hear her say and only half of what she does. It is all emotional based and she is not reacting rationally, even if some pretend they are. If she pulls you in to her emotional, irrational crises, you will not have the strength to do what you need to do to get a handle on it.

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Do you know at what point this 'script' will be discarded and 'normal thought' might be resumed. I'm sure there is not an average time, so does it need to be a crisis moment or some other point?

The shortest answer I can give is the script will continue as long as it works for her.

The little longer answer is when she ends the wayward behavior and deals with her wayward heart in a healthy manner.

You see, I think it varies with people. IJMHO, as long as she is feeding this waywardness, I think it continues. If the couple physically separates, and depending on the lack of contact, and she no longer sees him being an obstacle to anything she wants, it "might" slow down, simply b/c he is causing no waves in her life. However, she still holds all that resentment and disrespect, so she's going to continue to blame him for everything. And, the minute he rocks her boat, here comes the script again. Even if he thinks he may be making baby steps toward R, she starts with the "I just don't know that I can trust you". What?!?

In some cases, it takes a D and her moving on to another relationship, or attending the school of very hard knocks, to slowly inch her way out of her rebellion. Unfortunately, I have seen some who never changed. They went from man to man, or drama to drama and their life continued getting more messed up, and yet, would not end their bad behavior. The rebellion just grew until they aged into an old, pathetic, bitter, lonely person nobody wanted to be around.

I believe there are some cases where a personal crises or "loss" can yank them back to their senses, but it sure is not a guarantee. And it is not a one-fix-all experience, or it wasn't for me. However, it did help clear my head enough to stop the direction I was going, to turn around and work my way back.

The best way is the DB way, and for the H to completely let her go. Let her deal with life without him, and without his help. Let her face her consequences without his rescue. Let her see him making a life without her, and being happy in that life. Let her suffer whatever loss hits. But you "let her" out of the love you have, and not out of vindictiveness.

If there is ever a chance for a R, in time, she will stop the spew, the BS, the script. She will make the hard effort to get back to being the person she use to be. But it does take time and it is hard work for her. I cannot stress this enough to you LBH'S. Many LBH'S cannot hold out that long, or she goes on to another M.

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Your description of how a EA with co-worker becomes a PA described my WW's situation to a 'T'. If everything is all part of a process, as has been mentioned in the post between yours, what is the next step in the process once it has been established that the WW is following a script?

That is really hard to say. Maybe some others can give us a better answer. So much of what the WW says and does is all based on her emotions and what is happening in that moment. She may go in circles, repeating these same scenes. (If the H allows it.). That is only one reason why he can't accomplish any headway by having a R talk with her!

The sooner she learns he has let her go, (which seems to take a lot of guys way too long), the "dance" begins. Have you read the link on the distant/pursuit? The H pulls back......it draws her in closer. The H steps forward......she steps back. He has to decide who is leading! If he's smart, he can lead her (by pulling back) all the way off the dance floor.

It is human nature to want what we think we can't have. It sure plays havoc on the LBH'S when he discovers he's loosing his W. It also works on her, if she thinks he is dumping her! That can change the dynamics real quick. If men would just do it!

So, it's hard to say what the next step will be. A lot depends upon the actions of the LBH. But if he does all the wrong things to pursue her in her waywardness, it's a safe bet she will move further away from him. She will put emotional and physical distance between them. If he will just leave her alone and let her experience the process, she may get through it faster. Otherwise, her life usually has to get worse before it gets better. But to write down the steps of what comes next? If I understand what you are asking, I don't have them........or else my brain is dead this morning. Perhaps another LBS will speak up.

If you are asking what steps regarding her coming back to her normal self again, I think I covered part of it. Here are some more detailed steps in her recover. Not necessarily in any particular order. Wait......better yet, I will just list them in another post, since this one may be so long, it slows down the Internet.