Alpha - the future is now!

[alpha99]

Having a rough time of it right now. Nothing really has happened to spark it off, I just feel like crap.

I've been for a family meal in the local Chinese at dinner time here. It started fine but just like last time I felt depressed at time went on, as I heard music playing, as I thought of times I had been there with my W, as everyone was talking about family, kids, what they're doing today, tomorrow, next week etc.

On the way home in the car I was on the verge of crying. I don't want to be a victim but WHY OH WHY is this happening. Sure, we had problems but aren't people meant to work those things out. I can even get over that she had an A - I just miss her and my children SO MUCH. I WANT THEM BACK HOME WITH ME.

Starksy, great advice as ever. I am actually very composed on the phone. I have noticed, if other people are present and the interaction is short with W then I don't have a problem. If we are alone face to face for any extended period then I get upset. I just don't know at all what to do for the best right now. I know pursuing is a bad idea but I feel sick to the pit of my stomach just thinking that I will cut back communication with her to an absolute minimum. I know it's my emotions speaking but I want to be with her, with my kids, have days out, be nice and get along, try and work things out bit by bit. W doesn't want any of that at the moment.

I feel like I'm going mad. Every minute of every day is taken up thinking about my sitch, what I could have done, how my kids are missing out if they're not seeing me, how I might do something to fix things, what my W wants, what I want, where she is right now, who she's speaking to, has she met someone else, what is she doing tonight, will we go out together tomorrow, what should I wear, say, do, how should I act...I could go on and on. I am madly in love with her. I haven't shown that all the time I should. On the contrary, I've done things that make her think I don't love her - and now she doesn't love me.

I feel so low. I feel so, so low. There is definitely a rollercoaster of emotions through all of this. I just wonder whether W feels the same way. Is she happy every day? Does she get lonely at night? Does she miss me, have regrets, even if she isn't openly showing them? Who knows? Only her I suppose. But I love her and I want her back. I know we don't always get what we want but oh man, I would be willing to make some big changes in our life to have a happy life together.

All the GALing etc in the world is great, all the DB'n techniques fantastic, but what is the point of anything if you can't be with your W and kids? I know I'm working through all this to have that as the end goal but whoa is it hard work dealing with emotions. I'm keeping well dressed and presented but since I'm not seeing W much she isn't around to see. I just feel like the ground could swallow me up right now and have done with it. I just feel like I am going to be heartbroken forever. Yes, people do get over things. But if I have to spend the rest of my life seeing my children (and my daughter is a carbon copy of my W in terms of looks) and seeing the failure of my marriage and how it has affected all of us, then that is an almighty burden to have to carry for the rest of my life. I am sure W is not thinking that far ahead. She is a mobile addict. She is never off the thing. I would spend time playing with the kids and she would be texting etc elsewhere...all the time. Now I'm in a sitch where I can't be with the kids, and even the other night when I was there for a little bit she spent some time then in the kitchen on her phone. Since I have whatsapp installed and her as a contact I can see that it updates a lot to say she is always online using it. I don't know who she's messaging night and day, but it ain't me.

Will this ever get better? Will this ever get easier. I hope so because living like this is a nightmare. Holding on with little hope is so hard. If we were divorced and she met someone else etc then I would have to face reality that it is over. Being in limbo wondering whether she will ever reconsider and all the time wondering if she is still single, how the kids are etc is, like I said, the hardest thing in life to have to deal with.

I am not a religious person at all. We got married in a church because my W is catholic (though not a staunch one). The religious side didn't mean that much to me to be honest, but my vows were taken deadly seriously. If there is a God (I don't want to offend people here, I have no qualms in what other people believe) then now would be a good time to give me a hand please. For about the first time in my life the other night I laid in bed and prayed. I don't know who to or why, but I thought that if there is a higher power then at least for the sake of my children please help us all out of this nightmare. They deserve to be brought up in a loving environment with their mum and dad being happy together. I am willing to spend the rest of my life working on myself to ensure that is the case. If only my W was willing to do the same. We have had amazing highs together. This is an all time low in my life. If it persists then I don't know how much strength I have to continue on like this...