It was me that asked for cheap GAL options. I try to do things but I find myself going right back home because I feel so alone.
Yes I would want to return to the enmeshed R again. Even though I know that is not possible. W told me from the very beginning that she never wanted to do anything or hang out with anyone else, but because I was not giving her enough attention she is being forced to.
Me: 36 W: 36 D: 14 T: 18 (05/1997) M: 16 (05/1999) BD: 7/23/15 Separation 01/2015 D mentioned and started 02/2015 D filed 3/2015 OM confirmed 3/30/15
I just got back from running 6 miles in under an hour. I am extremely happy with that time. That should wear me out for the night which is good because it is a childless night.
Me: 36 W: 36 D: 14 T: 18 (05/1997) M: 16 (05/1999) BD: 7/23/15 Separation 01/2015 D mentioned and started 02/2015 D filed 3/2015 OM confirmed 3/30/15
Honestly I did an 8 mile run walk about 2 weeks ago. Then today I did this. It was really just to release anger. I have no training and have never been a runner.
Me: 36 W: 36 D: 14 T: 18 (05/1997) M: 16 (05/1999) BD: 7/23/15 Separation 01/2015 D mentioned and started 02/2015 D filed 3/2015 OM confirmed 3/30/15
You can't break your addiction if you keep shooting up! GAL didn't work for you those couple of times you tried it before you even detoxed your W out of your system?
Your weakness will be your undoing. You WILL eventually break your addiction and move forward with your life, but you are choosing the difficult, messy, and destructive path because its momentary ease...the 'fix'... is more appealing than actually working to FIX the problems.
There are no easy ways to repair situations like this, but there are countless easy ways to mess them up even more.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I had to get up this morning at 6:30 to meet W at the door with my daughters stuff. I then did something out of the norm, I went back to bed until 8:30.
I then worked on a letter I am going to send out to some friends about being a new real estate agent.
Now I am showered and dressed and I am going to drop off some business cards and then go pull some comps for a listing appointment I have tonight.
I also have D14 tonight, so today will be a good day.
Me: 36 W: 36 D: 14 T: 18 (05/1997) M: 16 (05/1999) BD: 7/23/15 Separation 01/2015 D mentioned and started 02/2015 D filed 3/2015 OM confirmed 3/30/15
Errod, you seem to be ignoring/disregarding advice and support from others, then going back to talking about your W. Is there any way we can help some more my friend? I worry that you may be getting a little 'stuck"...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I am extremely lost and stuck. My brain says move on it is over and my heart says continue to battle until my last breath.
Your trying to make something happen instead of letting it happen. You don't give up and say everything is lost, and you don't fight for it with every last breath. Your not in control of what happens with W, only yourself. You accept whats happening is going to happen and work on yourself until it plays out. The hardest part of this sometimes is the waiting.
You have to get to the point where you accept whatever happens with your W. You basically just have to separate yourself from her(detach) and continue to live your own life and work on your own issues regardless of her.
Patience and time. I'm struggling so hard myself with trying to detach and get W out of my head enough where I can function normally. Its not easy, this is the hardest thing we may ever go through, but its survivable.
I know your D seems to be progressing faster than you want and in your mind you have this countdown where you think its either saved before then or its gone. Don't think this way. Even if you divorce, whos to say a year later she realizes she made a huge mistake. Don't expect this, just understand its just as possible as the divorce being forever. That's why you detach now and live your own life.
Try to go a full day without thinking about your W at all. Every time she enters your mind push the though out, even if its every 10 seconds. Find something to do to get your mind off things. Just try and shut your brain down. I know its hard, I'm working on it right now and I'm struggling. Take baby steps. You may only last for a few minutes at first. Keep it going and then it will turn into a few hours, then a day. Before you know it you will be able to go a few days without obsessing and things will be much more manageable. Good luck.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
See her along with your codependency on her and the relationship for the addiction that it is.
Realize and agree that the best way to beat your addiction is to go cold turkey.
Live that decision out every day, one day at a time.
Worry about the other stuff later, but get this part down asap. So much stems from it.
Have you read Codependent No More?
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
