We married young and have 2 sons. Our R started where my W was basically the chaser. I'm guilty of showing little affection and admiration as years went on. I wanted to change but didn't know how, as she was changing just like me. When she told me we had to do something about our M, I was all for it. Strangely my feelings of love returned for her.
Shortly after she admitted she has found an OM. I began chasing, pleading, talking sense into her. But she kept lying about where she's going and often times not return after a day or two. She would act as if she would reconcile and stop the A to keep my quiet, just to grab the next opportunity to see him again. When I had enough I told her we can get separated, and I basically went dark.
A week later she asked me if I still wanted to work things out. That was the first time, where the idea of reconciling came from her. Of course I agreed. Since then, she stopped going on night outs, no sleep overs, but she's still texting the guy and I suspect that she still sees him just for a short time, maybe slipping out of her office like she has done before.
I'm pretty sure that her main reason for "reconciling" is due to convinience and financial reasons. I told her if we get S, I have to move to SE Asia (our motherland) for a couple months, just to get myself together. In doing that, I can come back and be much more effecting in co-parenting our kids and going on with our new situation.
Sometimes I find it hard to read my W because ever since the A we are showing more affection towards each other. More holding hands, kisses, more conversations. I read other situations her on this board where the couple hardly have any communication even when living under the same roof. But then again, I'm sure she turns to her phone to have sweet chats with the OM and listening and singing to love songs that remind her of him.
Now I'm not sure about my gameplan:
I know I can't control her. Do I still "force" her to go NC? Will that not push her more towards OM?
If I do a 180, does it mean do I have to be the opposite of what I've been in the majority of our R pre A? So if I was neglecting her emotionally, is this the time to show her how important she really is to me? She has mentioned to me a couple times, how sweet the OM is, how much he's into her etc etc... and is basically wanting me to become like that.
I read the lighthouse story. Now that my W appears to have slowed down the A, should I just sit and wait?
M 30 W 31 S8 and S6 M 7 T 13 D-Day Mid December 2014 EA/PA confirmed end of December 2014
Help needed: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2550514#Post2550514
You cannot "force" her to do ANYTHING, skr. All you can do is let her know YOUR boundaries of personal integrity. Do you know what they are? Is "I will not live in an open marriage" one of them? Because that's surely what you have right now.
Or is it "I'm willing to live in an open marriage, so long as she's nice and affectionate with me, too?"
You cannot "force" her to do ANYTHING, skr. All you can do is let her know YOUR boundaries of personal integrity. Do you know what they are? Is "I will not live in an open marriage" one of them? Because that's surely what you have right now.
Or is it "I'm willing to live in an open marriage, so long as she's nice and affectionate with me, too?"
Starsky
This is a great boundary which WILL ensure your success with the ladies. With or without the wife. Women don't want to think they can run that crap on you unless you guys are swingers!
Starsky, yes I briefly read about boundaries but I haven't spent much time studying that topic to figure out how to apply it to my situation.
I do not want to live in an open marriage. My problem is to find out the right strategy to achieve that.
I afraid that me being confrontational will make her go back to her old ways of not giving a damn. I'm torn between waiting it out, give her space and let the affair die vs setting firm boundaries with the risk of inviting more drama.
M 30 W 31 S8 and S6 M 7 T 13 D-Day Mid December 2014 EA/PA confirmed end of December 2014
Help needed: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2550514#Post2550514
But I don't think that kicking her out of the BR is appropriate at this point. I believe Rai is in a different position (I quickly browsed through it). It seems they are already going separate ways but still living under the same roof.
My W appears to want it to work it out again between us, but is having difficulties letting go of OM.
I'm going to observe for a while (couple weeks). She's going to start a new role within her company on April 1. She won't have the freedom of coming and going as she pleases, unlike in her current position. I'll look for some changes.. if I notice continuos texting and questionnable situations that make me think she met with OM I'm going to tell her, she needs to def cut off all contacts with OM, or else I'll continue my plan of going away for a while.
I just hope my LRT won't backfire especially regarding child abandonment etc. I actually talked about this with my lawyer friend, who told me that isn't the case. I just need to make sure I'm sending them some cash every month to prove I still provided. But who knows...
Anyway that's just something I need to do in order to heal, detach and GAL. To me it's very difficult if I stay here, as we just moved here and I don't have any close friends, plus my job is a true pain in the azz.
M 30 W 31 S8 and S6 M 7 T 13 D-Day Mid December 2014 EA/PA confirmed end of December 2014
Help needed: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2550514#Post2550514
You think LRT involves not being a father except sending some cash?
Ok........... Go back and read DR and DB'ing...... You have TOTALLY missed the concepts.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
I do not want to live in an open marriage. My problem is to find out the right strategy to achieve that.
I afraid that me being confrontational will make her go back to her old ways of not giving a damn. I'm torn between waiting it out, give her space and let the affair die vs setting firm boundaries with the risk of inviting more drama.
So, to be clear, your boundary is "I will not live in an open marriage, unless removing myself from that would cause more drama or will make my cheating wife not give a damn."
OK, got it.
Your WORDS to your wife say one thing, but she has learned to instead watch your ACTIONS, which are wobbly at best. So she's playing you. She will begin to take you seriously when you begin to take YOURSELF seriously, no sooner.
You are either willing to live in an Open marriage or you are not. Currently, you are willing to do that, she knows it and will continue to behave accordingly.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
But I don't think that kicking her out of the BR is appropriate at this point. I believe Rai is in a different position (I quickly browsed through it). It seems they are already going separate ways but still living under the same roof. Nope. You can apply the same concept to your situation. You can ask her to leave the bedroom. You two are still living under the same roof. Same thing.
My W appears to want it to work it out again between us, but is having difficulties letting go of OM. You cannot let W back in too easy. She MUST separate from the OM permanently. Otherwise, her words are just bluster and bluff.
I'm going to observe for a while (couple weeks). She's going to start a new role within her company on April 1. She won't have the freedom of coming and going as she pleases, unlike in her current position. I'll look for some changes.. if I notice continuos texting and questionnable situations that make me think she met with OM I'm going to tell her, she needs to def cut off all contacts with OMthis is a controlling statement. Instead, convey to her that you are not willing to live in an open M and that W has some decisions to make., or else I'll continue my plan of going away for a whileWrong answer. You don't run away like a whipped dog with it's tail between the legs. Don't go all wet noodle on your W. NOW is the time to state your boundary in no uncertain terms. .
Lose your fear of a "confrontation" for your W is misbehaving badly with her A. Why are you a scaredy cat around her? I am sure you've faced many complex challenges and you've come out okay. Just view this situation as another one.
