For the LBH who has a WW Part 3

[MCS]

Alpha,

Mozza and I have been step by step going through this process, but I see we treat what's going on with the kids differently. I struggled up front holding onto the logistics with the kids as control without even realizing it. I couldn't distinguish between what is best for the kids without automatically assuming it is getting back together.

W and I go to MC (mediation) every week at her request because for some reason she doesn't want to talk with me directly. I have done my share of bring up our M in the context of the kids, but we went 2 months w/o any contact at all about the kids. My sitch is quite different since I really had no indications that W was unhappy, mainly because her A was going on for so long. She's admitted she tried to talk to me once, one year prior to BD. Looking back, I really thought she was having a bad day and it had nothing to do with me. I never heard about our M being bad, her being unhappy with me, etc.

I'm one that has fed off her emotional status and have not reacted calmly to some of her spew because it is so far fetched. However, my 'consistent' actions have been about providing structure with the kids during the sitch. I see that is what has made the difference for myself and I can better understand convos about kids and convos about us. The toughest part is when kids ask questions about why mom left, why can't we work it out, etc. It's tough trying to teach kids about resolving conflict when to them their parents can't.

Also, we can't forget our WW are struggling with their own morality in the sitch and we as LBS become intimidating of the reminder to them that where they are may not be as dire as they had thought ( they probably assumed there was no turning back)

If you look at the LBS's here, you see the constant of them getting stronger while the WW seems to degrade emotionally as time goes by. That's because this site has really pushed us all to look at ourselves and understand what we can change and not be the 'protector' for our W's.

I sees that during talks, WW has created the fantasy of a WW centric view of life and as discussions about kids come into play, it challenges those thoughts. Without the addiction they probably could reconcile their own views, but the constant struggle of that keeps them in their 'fog'

Anyone that has went to IC for really any reason has uncovered that happiness starts inside of one's own skin. Without that, WW seem to peg happiness on how others make them feel. OM makes them feel good, the others make them feel bad. Without an introspective look at themselves, they create this 'fog' to constantly avoid or become angry of sitches that make them 'feel' bad.

So with kids, it's a careful balance; and the protector theme hits us LBS's hard on what we need to do to shelter our kids. That's the toughest part and just tonight, I was sitting by myself looking at how so many things in my life are still going alright, but continue to feel guilty that I can't fix that for my kids. That's why everyone stresses to put them first. To give us peace of mind that we are doing as much as we possibly can that's within our control to make this as eay for them as possible. I can say that my relationship with my kids has never been stronger and I see that WW is now starting to feel somewhat uncomfortable that where there was a good balance while we were together, the kids are naturally erring on the side of structure. My WW said early on that an emotionally stable Mom was better than an unhappy one and now we're in the place that I think she realizes that neither of them are true right now for her. At first she blamed me for that, but it seems as if the consistent action on my part with them has lessened that resentment, but may be starting to affect her reassess not her decision, but she's trying to work out her state of mind as the Mom. i see this by her constantly trying to say that she's not an 'unfit parent.' I used to argue with her on that by saying she walked out on them, but I see that time is taking its toll on her without me saying anything. I don't even say anything when those things come out of the blue, but can see that maybe she's starting to see that conflict in her views.