New to this forum but not new to DBing. Came to the forum to get perspective from the "other side of the fence". Sandi2 has given me incredible insight. I have read Sandi2 thread on the WW. Very similar to my stitch but not sure she is having an EA. I think she wants one but the OM not responding as hoped. Technically WAW hasn't gone completely off the rails but is repeating the usual script; I don't love you anymore; I'm unhappy with you; done with the M and want out; would love too stay friends BS.
Question: does Sandi2 have a thread for a more typical WAW stitch? I don't want to ask obvious questions that has already been answered. Thank you.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
When we separated I was persuing her and giving gifts and making dates with the kids to show her what she would be missing out on if we dissolved the family. She said this was only a 'time-out' and I treated it as such. My mistake I guess because I probably came across as needy and smothering. Since she BDed, I politely told her that if she wants a divorce then we get one and waved goodbye. Went dark and have kept contact limited to the children, while always remaining happy and friendly.
1. After the BD she requested that we remain friends and I told her that I wouldn't be able to see her as anything else than my wife no matter what she choose to do. I think being put in the friendzone is total BS and wont serve my cause. Any insight would be appreciated.
2. When she BDed she was very friendly, calm and happy and I was actually taken aback by the words coming out of her mouth. Her actions didn't reflect what she was asking. I would think that if you hate your spouse enough for a divorce you would be upset with the person. But I remained composed, which was very hard to do because I wanted to rip her head off. Since me going dark, she has become moody and combatant again. I take this as I did not react the way she wanted me too. Her anger is back and I prefer it to her indifference. There is passion in anger. Any insight would be appreciated.
3. She invites me now for events with the kids. I don't really want to say no because they are my children and don't feel that they should suffer their mother's decision. However, I do feel this gives her a 'fix' of me and is helping her ween off me. Any insight would be appreciated.
4. I organized an easter weekend away with my children, which she agreed to but now is in a uproar because she wants to spend two days with them. She has made reference that she would like to come with but is not welcome. Would it be appropriate to tell her that if she wants to come, she must just ask as I did invite her before the BD and she said no. According to Sandi2 37 rules, she can join as long as it doesn't change my plans, which it doesn't. any insight would be appreciated.
I politely told her that if she wants a divorce then we get one and waved goodbye. Went dark and have kept contact limited to the children, while always remaining happy and friendly.
Sounds like this is a good strategy, basic DBing
Originally Posted By: Re79
1. After the BD she requested that we remain friends and I told her that I wouldn't be able to see her as anything else than my wife no matter what she choose to do. I think being put in the friendzone is total BS and wont serve my cause. Any insight would be appreciated.
GOOD-I agree.
Originally Posted By: Re79
2. When she BDed she was very friendly, calm and happy and I was actually taken aback by the words coming out of her mouth. Her actions didn't reflect what she was asking. I would think that if you hate your spouse enough for a divorce you would be upset with the person. But I remained composed, which was very hard to do because I wanted to rip her head off. Since me going dark, she has become moody and combatant again. I take this as I did not react the way she wanted me too. Her anger is back and I prefer it to her indifference. There is passion in anger. Any insight would be appreciated.
Script
Originally Posted By: Re79
3. She invites me now for events with the kids. I don't really want to say no because they are my children and don't feel that they should suffer their mother's decision. However, I do feel this gives her a 'fix' of me and is helping her ween off me. Any insight would be appreciated.
Their is no right or wrong answer, nor any quick fix. Do what you feel is right - especially for your children. Being a great DAD is very attractive.
Originally Posted By: Re79
4. I organized an easter weekend away with my children, which she agreed to but now is in a uproar because she wants to spend two days with them. She has made reference that she would like to come with but is not welcome. Would it be appropriate to tell her that if she wants to come, she must just ask as I did invite her before the BD and she said no. According to Sandi2 37 rules, she can join as long as it doesn't change my plans, which it doesn't. any insight would be appreciated.
So, here's a couple things. Most of us believe no OM and then over a couple weeks start to realize that 'hunches' we have start to take shape. I had someone that I thought she had a one-sided EA with, but then over the next couple months found out there was a PA with him for over a year. (Yep, I had no clue at all)
Here's the biggest two things I can recommend. Confidence (not cockiness) and Consistency. I've struggled mightily for months on these areas
Just like Sandi says, anything that 'reminds' them of the pre-BD will be taken hostilely right now. Referring to her as W, that you only see her as W, how the kids are affected, etc. just works backwards. I'm 7 months in and this still happens.
You're kids are my kids ages. Focus on them!! Unfortunately, our Ws are not doing that right now or they would still be at home working on issues. Be their rock, their stability, their consistency. I can say if you read through, every person that focuses on their children realize how much better their relationship is with them.
Also, why do you think WW or WAW? Do you know what things in the M that she didn't like or things you did wrong? If you don't know, it probably is closer to WW, but I'd let someone else make that assessment.
Eat, sleep, GAL. Repeat.
One day at a time, I remember getting sick in my stomach when I saw other signature blocks that were >6 months. Well, here I am. I never thought that I could do it, but just take it a day at a time. It will get better. Much like a death of a close friend. Its always 'on your mind' but we can deal with it better each day.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Thank you for all your responses, much appreciated.
Originally Posted By: Cadet
Have you read all the links that I gave you yet?
Yes I have. I have been reading this forum since Jan 2015. It has been very helpful, thank you.
I am new to these forums but I have been divorce busting since November 2014. I started this arduous journey with a very insightful book called 'stop your divorce' by Homer Simpson. He gives great insight to the chaos I was experiencing. Has anyone else read it? What did you think? Read DB in Jan 2015 and the theory is essentially the same. One thing [censored] lacks is what to do when and if the tide turns in your favour. DB does, which I hope to implement one day.
One thing [censored] strongly suggests is too immediately start dating other people when your S BDs. Not sleep with them or fall in love with them but merely follow the old adage that everyone wants what they can't have. From my extensive research and interviews with divorcees, this seems to be accurate. Every WAS on this forum that then became an LBS has said the exact same thing, begging stopped and he/she moved on and met someone else and now I want them back. Divorcees I have interviewed said similar things; had my LBS started dating that would have devastated me.
At this point, I feel I have nothing to lose implementing this strategy and everything to gain. Does anyone have any insight on this. It would be highly appreciated.
Are you referring to whether or not you should date? I can tell you right now that going out and dating someone doesn't always attract the WAS back. I don't know what "research" you've done but the majority of the time it doesn't.
It really does depend on the individual.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I went on a date almost two weeks ago, with no Intension I bumped into a former work colleague of my W while out. Just over a week later W left the OM and ended the A but... I dont know if that was purely due to the date as I did also find rock solid evidence of the A and shocking things that were said between them. They broke agreed rules so I confronted on Saturday last.
Honestly I think the dating thing is very risky, but tbh I would suggest at least making yourself attractive and meeting female friends and perhaps allowing your W to know that you had a great time and how friendly they all were! Etc... Dating could be seen as a point of no return by your W so tread careful x
T:13 yrs M:11 Me: 36 Her: 33 Living apart Her having affair She Asked me to move out 26th jan 2015 3 kids D13 S10 D10 D not mentioned yet
