Should i expose the affair, or?

[Swabby]

MrBond:

Thanks, truly, for cutting to the heart of things, its something that believe it or not, does really help.

I'm trying to change, for my own benefit, as i don't like the person i become over the years at all. Rally looking at the things i did i didn't like, and trying to change them is one of my major motivators right now, not dwelling in them, but trying to realize them for what they were, and figuring out how to change them internally.

I can trace it back, and you are right, there definitely was a time when it was less emotionally "charged" or "heated", and i would try, but often not for very long before i would let my work interfere. This is still something i ruminate on now in trying to "fix" that behavior.

I did do it to myself. Hindsight is almost always 20/20, and i can see how i created my own issues through my non-action and disconnection during times of stress.

No, my validation is more through physical touch, not really sex, but the hugs, kisses, etc. which stopped years ago from her end. She would reciprocate, but rarely come to me that way. This was different for the first few years, for sure, and i know this is also something thats a result of me pushing her away from what she needed.

I know its no impossible to focus on other things, but i'm still trying to learn how to deal with it as it comes up at random times throughout my day. Do you focus on it for a set amount of time, then move on, or push it away... So many different things pop up during a day, and sometimes its less, sometimes more. Being away from home would make you think it would help, but it doesn't/hasnt, its only given me more time to think, grieve, etc. That in and of itself is good, i know, as the grieving and such helps to bring upon the healing, but it is hard being away from family and friends while going through it.

Something came in email today from one of the other sites i've perused that hit home:

...

She told me this last night via a phone call, the "I fell out of love with you". Its still a crushing thing to hear coming from someone you've spent so much time with over the years, shared goals, visions, etc.

I'm sticking firm to my LRT, but i'm trying to determine wha the right level of contact is going to be with her, as I still feel drawn to discuss and work things out, but from experience, know it just makes things worse.

I'm being "business" about everything now, or trying to as much as possible, without being a "dick". Its now about splitting things up, determining child support, alimony, and all the legal stuff that goes along with breaking apart two peoples lives.

We have a MC appointment when i get back in a few weeks, our first together. I've been seeing the husband, she's been seeing the wife, of a married counseling couple. I'm hoping to stay strong, and resilient, but still allow her to see my sorrow and pain in what i've done so she can start on a path to healing. I really DO want her to be happy, and if its over, it is, i just didn't like the way things progressed with an A muddying things up so much.