hold on! - 8

[u-turn]

So as I get my bearings again (maybe) and come home to a mailbox full of attorney letters (for Ws dui arrest), I am trying to formulate tonight's conversation.

I see so many things that say that she is lying about OM and they are still together, still contacting each other - she will likely keep denying that and make me seem like I am paranoid and crazy. I think that she thinks that I believe her BS. I do not have hard proof, just all of the stories that she is telling me not making sense, obvious lies, I've seen timed receipts from locations that couldn't be possible if her stories were true.

We talked about suicide not being an answer to anything. Made some weird agreement about this this morning. I don't know what to think of this, but I did over-share with her my own thoughts of suicide in the past (I didn't tell her of the frequency of this).

Later I texted her an apology for telling her this and she said she was glad I did.

I texted her that I want to talk with her tonight if we get the opportunity. and she responded with:
"ok"
"that doesn't sound good"
"texts like that are so ominous"

I haven't responded to her because 1-didn't want to, and 2-was much too busy, and 3-not an appropriate conversation to have over text.

Am I wrong to call her out on what I see? I have not changed my opinion of me being done with this, but I believe in her mind she thinks we are on the mend (swept away again). Will this push her too much? I look at her life right now and see nothing but a mess - how does she not see that?

I see her wanting to make it one more week and go to florida. I don't think that would be good for me. I am thinking, if she brings this up again, that I will tell her to go with the kids. Without me. I will not make any excuses to the kids about me having too much work.

This would be a painful trip for me - bad memories from last year's trip - A discovered.
It would be painful for the kids if I don't go.
It will let people know that we are having troubles - which I am ok with.
But I don't think I am taking this stance to make a point. I just don't think we can take a happy family trip.
We are not a happy family - I should not vacation with my W who is having an A.

I think that I am going to ask her to let me see her phone right now, that is how I can begin believing her. If I give her warning of this she will quickly delete everything. She will refuse I'm sure.