For the LBH who has a WW Part 3

[NH115]

I'd like to take a crack at this one as well, over here on the new thread.

I think for a man, this goes to the very core of their role as "protector" of the family, their home, and of his wife. To get rocked by the bomb drop of unexpected infidelity -- coupled with a period of self-reflection (and perhaps coupled also with some choice words of spew and truth from their cheating wife) that reveals to them their own faults and the role that they may have played in creating an environment in which their wife could have an affair) . . . well, it just totally rocks your world.

YOU FEEL LIKE YOU FAILED in your role as protector, and now some PREDATOR has invaded your home, your family, your finances, your MARRIAGE, and yeah . . . there can be a lot of GUILT associated with that awful feeling.

So while one should never accept the responsibility or the blame for their cheating spouse's destructive decision to have an affair (they should have talked to you about how unhappy they were, and -- if that failed repeatedly -- they should have sought a separation or even a divorce before sleeping around) . . . I can at least understand why a man would.

The problem comes not just with the misplaced blame, btw, but more importantly with the strategic and tactical decisions that such blame causes the betrayed spouse to make. It totally skews their PURSUIT-vs.-DETACHMent motor, just to name one aspect.


Starsky

Starsky, you and Sandi keep spouting gold here. Both of you know the 2x4s you've had to apply to me on occasion because I kept pursuing. That pursuit was often clothed as losing my temper, begging, mind reading, and more, but it was all based on guilt. It kept me paralyzed. I'm still more reactive to W's emotional state than I should be. When she's calm, she speaks lucidly about our sitch, when she panics, it gets very ugly very fast. She knows my guilt buttons and has no problem using them.

I love your "predator" reference. Back when I was still making the mistake of attacking OM, I'd often refer to him as a "predator" or "home invader".