There's a difference between feeling guilty for setting the stage and feeling guilty for the affair,
Exactly! Thanks, NH, for your input. I think it carries more weight for the men to hear this from other guys who have experienced the same ordeal with a WW.
Is it fair to say that any LBS could misplace some of the guilt they feel, to cause them to believe they are responsible for the WAS's affair (or other wayward behaviors)? From what I have seen in some threads, it seems this follows shortly after they do the deep self-examination. Perhaps it is a response to those feelings of guilt, and they don't see the lines clearly?
I'd like to take a crack at this one as well, over here on the new thread.
I think for a man, this goes to the very core of their role as "protector" of the family, their home, and of his wife. To get rocked by the bomb drop of unexpected infidelity -- coupled with a period of self-reflection (and perhaps coupled also with some choice words of spew and truth from their cheating wife) that reveals to them their own faults and the role that they may have played in creating an environment in which their wife could have an affair) . . . well, it just totally rocks your world.
YOU FEEL LIKE YOU FAILED in your role as protector, and now some PREDATOR has invaded your home, your family, your finances, your MARRIAGE, and yeah . . . there can be a lot of GUILT associated with that awful feeling.
So while one should never accept the responsibility or the blame for their cheating spouse's destructive decision to have an affair (they should have talked to you about how unhappy they were, and -- if that failed repeatedly -- they should have sought a separation or even a divorce before sleeping around) . . . I can at least understand why a man would.
The problem comes not just with the misplaced blame, btw, but more importantly with the strategic and tactical decisions that such blame causes the betrayed spouse to make. It totally skews their PURSUIT-vs.-DETACHMent motor, just to name one aspect.
