Should i expose the affair, or?

[MrBond]

"She was very open with me about her emotions, but you'd have to understand how. It was always a cycle of railing into me for all the things i did wrong first, then the feelings would come in, then a few more insults to my manhood, husbandry, etc. It was a sprinkling back and forth of this in every conversation."

I don't think you quite understand. I'll bet if you trace things back to the very beginning when you were first married, she would give you small hints that she felt left alone and you probably ignored them thinking they were no big deal. It's what happens to everyone. It's not until over a period of time that when those "hints" go unheard that people get louder and try to make themselves heard. By that time you just started seeing her as a "b*tch" and rather than going back and figuring things out, you shut it out which made her want to be heard even more.

"I don't want that for my life anymore, of that i'm sure, and while i still love my wife, i don't ever desire that kind of a relationship again, one where i mentally checked out so much, or one where i felt belittled."

To a degree, you did that to yourself. The way she treated you was a response to how you treated her. You say you don't want that any more, fine. Then do something about it. She doesn't have to be there for you to start changing.

"It wasn't that i was expecting rewards, but when someone tells you you NEVER do something, or that you never try, its hard to not focus on the things you felt you DID do to make things better."

I agree, but I'm willing to bet that she wasn't like that in the beginning.

"While i do agree with you, that a healthy relationship is a good balance of give and take, i think everyone still likes to hear their hard work is appreciated, whether for their family, relationship, or providing at work or at home."

Not entirely. Some people don't think words of affirmation are as important as other ways of showing appreciation. Some do it though sex or presents. You just seem to need that validation. Maybe your W didn't. How often did you compliment her?

"I know i could've definitely been more proactive, as many men could/should about the work it takes to run a house of kids."

It wasn't that you weren't proactive. You just weren't there. And when she wanted more of your time, you chose to remove yourself which made her want you more.

"How can one ever hope to focus on the problems of the marriage itself, when 2-5x daily, the OM calls, or she calls him?"

By not concentrating on that. My W worked with her EA who was her boss so they would see each other every day and have lunch together, etc.. It's not impossible.

"Suddenly its not about the marriage anymore, but about tying it off so she can proceed without feeling tied down."

Not really.