MLC W, Part 8

[kat727]

Tom, I wasn't saying that you will suddenly be happy. I fought for my marriage. I believed that if it were to end I was going to do what I could to save it. Looking back as the Monday quarterback, all that effort was only for my peace of mind, it had no effect on my now ex. He was gone, had made up his mind long before I found out about the affair.

Maybe everyone does have to travel their own journey through Hades in order to really understand. I couldn't sleep for two years after the divorce. I had to heal from all the pain. When you are in it, you are too busy fighting to let yourself really feel.

I am not saying rush out and file. I think you keep waiting for conditions to be just so before you do what you need to. Don't worry about all of that, just do what you need to. So this all about when you get to the point where you have done what you are able. Your wife is on her own timetable and they may not match. That is fine.after being on here 8 years, I wish I could save people from the pain, to not have it draw out, to see that this process is really about saving yourself snd your kids, rarely does it have the ending that we hoped for when we came here.

This is about you Tom and your four great kids. Get them through.

kat

[Wet]

...I am not saying rush out and file. ...after being on here 8 years, I wish I could save people from the pain, to not have it draw out, to see that this process is really about saving yourself snd your kids, rarely does it have the ending that we hoped for when we came here.

This is about you Tom and your four great kids. Get them through. kat

Hi Kat, you have given me wise words. I understand that my W is on her own journey, and that the only person I can save is myself. And I can show my kids their importance, but I can't even save them. You have a good heart in wanting to save us from the pain most of us on the board are facing.

Journaling: W texted me to let me know d17's braces broke in 2 places, and d17 could get them fixed with an appt. at 2 pm this afternoon. W's car is in the shop, so she asked if I could take her. Being self-employed I can do things like this, and I like doing things like this, so I sent her a text saying "yes".

D17 didn't talk much, we got her braces fixed, took her to her favorite tea place got us some tea, and got her back fairly quickly.

W asked if I could then take her to pick up her car at the car repair place (5 minutes away). I agreed. She asked if I had anything going on, and I mentioned a mutual friend (a guy in our men's group) was having a going away party tonight, and I might go. She wondered whether I was going, and I just said I was a "free agent", I might go.

Then W said she would call her friend who lived near to the bar (live music, darts, pool, it' a fun place),and see if she would go too.

Yeah, no thanks. I am going instead to Divorce Care tonight. I need to talk to the Pastor there tonight, and see if she would consider adding me as a table leader.

Ok, I did think for a minute of going to the bar, and maybe seeing W and having fun like we did in the good 'ol days. But we are different people right now, and W perhaps going to my friend's party just makes me want to stay away.

[AJM]

I need to talk to the Pastor there tonight, and see if she would consider adding me as a table leader.

I think that's a smart move. Hope it goes well and I think you'll find you have a lot to give and receive.

I'm a little different than Kat in regards to saving people the pain. Having been through it, I can see no other way for the changes. I see it as a season, followed by a spring. One that seasons a person. One that it would be hard to live a full life without going through. Not that I wish it on anyone. Just that once it starts, I don't see any way through hell but to keep going...

AJ

[kat727]

Don't you remember people giving advice and just not being ready to hear it? There were even books recommended to me that I was just no where near ready enough to tackle. I suppose I am trying to help people find a pain shortcut.

I already new I was a strong person but wow, not this strong. Good for being the rock my kids deserve.

Tonight I actually vented to my ex about my bad day and my frustration with my full-time job. Must be getting bad because I haven't done that forever. Oops, sorry for the hijack.

kat

[Wet]

Thanks again AJ and Kat, I did go to my church last night and Divorce Care. The topic was "moving on". The emphasis on the topic was that we need to deal with the "trash" in our life, including dealing with and learning from the wrong things we've done in our marriage, also we need to deal with the emotions of anger, fear and anxiety, before we can even start to "move on".

I was not able to speak to the Pastor about my wanting to volunteer. Instead, after class was over, several of us sat down and chatted. I ended up volunteering my legal services to help 2 of my group-mates. One of them is an attractive red-head I've known for 6 months, a bit younger than me, who is always complementing me on my losing weight, and I think we are starting a bit of a friendship. And she is soooo normal (she has a job, is intelligent, and funny), which is very attractive to me right now.

Yes, I get how having someone of the opposite sex in my life as a friend can have a strong pull. A new source of motivation to get in shape - I think I better get to the exercise room today!

[CaliGuy]

You sound great Wet ... and yeah nothing wrong with having some motivation to help you improve!!

[AJM]

Ha, yes Kat. Each of us is at a different point in the readiness of hearing something or seeing reality.

And it's nice to know you can at least talk to your ex. I have to go in armed and see no time that'll change

Wet, I think it's great you are volunteering. I've heard it said (and I remember it because I feel the same way) that when looking for signs in others that they are healing, look to their viewpoint of others. Are they focused on themselves (early in the stages you are and need to be) but as time goes on you look to help others. That's a sign you're looking beyond yourself and a sign you are healing. Since it's hard to see the forest for the trees, it's sometimes nice to know how the switch from focusing on oneself to others is a sign that healing is beginning.

I suspect it also speaks to life in general and how has many philosophical implications.

Feeling the need to volunteer again, going to the gym, having fun with the kids... hmm... seems spring is coming, no?

AJ

[Wet]

Thanks Caliguy and AJ, I appreciate your encouraging words. AJ, I think your thoughts on volunteering are spot on - I have always volunteered at church, but not since the BD. I am feeling healthier, and excited to get more involved in other's lives.

D20 told me her boyfriend of a year broke up with her. D20 is very social, and has lotsa friends. Bf got jealous, controlling, clingy, insecure (d20 said this was not at all attractive - , yes I get it now) and he couldn't take it anymore, he broke up with her. But d20 is doing great. And I actually got to sit down with her, and she shared her feelings about this. This was nice, I have to do this with my other kids as well.

And a positive on the filing taxes front. I think we have an agreement on the split of the deductions for our kids (W gets 2, I get 1 + d20 if I need it.) And I should be ready to file this weekend.

So the convo with W on tax filing went well. W had previously insisted that she gets to claim all the 3 youngest kids for her taxes. This time, she acted like she never said it, and she said I could talk to d18 and work out claiming her as a deduction with her. W has never filed taxes before, so it is good to see her get her BGP on and take care of this herself.

[kat727]

What I do, but ex does not, is I claim my oldest and give him the amount he would have gotten on his own. It benefits me more. Next year it won't matter as both boys will be gone.

Hope it all works out.

kat

[AJM]

Glad to hear how things are going, Wet. Seems your perspective and self are taking some positive steps. Funny how we learn things from the youngin's, yeah?

AJ