It's not all lost. It could work out well as at least she got to see a glimpse of the person you've become.
Now when it comes out that she's going back with OM, not going back but not ready to recommit, getting angry that you won't let her cake eat the way she wants too because she's trying to lead you around by the nose expecting you to give her whatever she wants as she teases you with the possibility of R all while she's medicating in other ways you don't know about...just be ready to set your standards higher.
I don't blame you for making it too easy...but now that you've seen she's not your W but instead an addict that is trying to play you, grow up and use that information.
My IC said "You are up HERE (high hand), she is down HERE (low hand). If someday she wants to come up and join you, you can think about it. But you cannot join here down there."
So shed a tear that she's succumb to the much of the world and let pain/resentment drive her to bad choices. Shed a tear for the woman you used to love. Then go take care of yourself and stop longing after a fallen angel. Your love can't save her and is only going to hold her back.
But...as I said. As you move forward and TRULY detach. She will have the memory of the week you spent and the person you are. Maybe someday that will motivate her to change. But you can't give her any more or you will motivate her NOT to change.
Make sense?
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Here's the thing about the trust issue. It is completely different, now, than when you fist in love and M her. She was not required to give an account of her actions, whereabouts, gaps in time, etc. She did not have to backup her stories with any documentation. Her "word" was good enough for you. You did not ask her, was not suspicious, nor doubt her, b/c the M was founded on love & trust in each other. However, she shattered that foundation.
3kids, you must not trust her while she is in this stage. Her being with OM is like giving an addict a fix and expecting him not to feel react. She is not cured, she hasn't even started withdrawal yet. She cannot be trusted b/c she's an addict. A new foundation of trust has to be laid, and until she has gone through complete withdrawal from him, she is craving her fix.
Some WW's will tell the H he will just have to deal with his worries and trust her. As if to say, "I am not going to take responsibility and earn your trust, you are on your own". Everything in the relationship has shifted, and for you, or her, to expect you to just trust her with blind faith is nonsense. That is just not how it works. That is why a transparency plan has to be agreed upon and put into immediate effect.
When a guilty person goes to trial, does he just flippantly tell the jury they will just have to trust him? Or does he try to produce something to that gives credibility to back up his statements? If this M is important enough to her, she will be willing to earn back your trust. But at the moment she is untrustworthy.
I have tried to keep up with your thread, but tell me, has she said she want to do whatever it takes to work on the M? I know she said it is over with OM, and I think I remember her expressing some remorse, but am I to understand the two of you are inching toward working a reconciliation?
You knew OM going to back to pick up another load. Was anyone with her or were they alone? Was she there for hours? Did you hear anything from her last night, or did she stay gone all night? What are the sleeping arrangements?
Btw, I think you should be with her when she gives the kids her "explanation". You need to hear what she tells them. For her to want to talk to them without you, suggests she will put you in a less than favorable light when telling her side of the story.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I want to write so much of what I'm feeling. But don't know how to put it down. The oldest called me this morning from my house saying he couldn't get a hold of his mom to come pick him up. No answer to text or phone calls. So I sent off a text to the wife asking if every thing was ok and telling her I was a little worried because the oldest had been trying to get a hold of her with no answer. And to let me know she's ok.
I thought long and hard about this before I sent it. For one she doesn't know I drove past the house this morning and she and the hole family had expressed concern about OM and his actions. With the way things were going and every thing, I didn't think this was pursuing. But that was a couple of hours ago. And the oldest hasn't returned my phone call and she hasn't returned my text. So I guess I know the answer. Emotions blah!
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
Sandi to answer your questions. Yes, the wife was what seemed like commitment to try and work things out. We had decided that it was best for the kids if she didn't just jump back into our lives. We were going to take it slow and see some counseling. The first night OM was back BIL went there. Things went well. She said she could handle it when OM came back the second time. It didn't even dawn on me to have her call me or give me updates(I have no clue why stupid trust issues). Don't trust an addict, I know! Sleeping areas where apart for now and she would slowly work into my place. She has gone a wall since Friday(with OM and my kids at old house). So it did look promising.
New news this morning. So with no sleep and my mind going a million miles a minute. I tried to slow down by write my feeling on paper. My main problem as I slowed down, was where were my kids going to be now. With this new development I did not know. And you all know how much my kids mean to me. I had to find an answer. So I started to write a letter to the only person who might know what is going on. Her mom, from what her family has told me. I broke my letter down to a small text basically asking what is the wife's plans with the kids, was I getting them full time or not.
I got a quick phone call. And thought, great what have I just done here comes some yelling or leave me out of it. Well, I got a very worried mother who is afraid for her daughter. When she last talked to her daughter the plan was as scheduled. That was last Thursday. She had been receiving phone calls from BIL (who drives by old house every day) says OM is back at the house. She had been trying to get a hold of her daughter but gets hung up on. Then I got the whole story.
About two or three weeks ago a friend of the wife's really was getting worried about her and her life. She asked her one simple question and was to answer it without a pause. The question was if you where dying with cancer who was standing beside you. Answer me(husband) and the kids. Friend called MIL told her about convo they had and that daughter needs some serious help. Then came the OM iPad. Apparently the wife found it unlocked. Started looking through it. Lots and lots of other women texts. She dumped him with her mom and sister there so she wouldn't believe any of his bull crap. Apparently he got really really violent with her on the phone. Where the MIL took the phone away and told him if she ever saw him again she herself will end him (word to the wise don't mess with a country girl you never know where her shotgun is). MIL said the wife was doing really well with not talking to him. Showed her her phone and everything a couple of times. This is where the family was probably afraid of OM and safety of wife. Now from what MIL said, OM is really really good at manipulating women. Had her even fooled for a long time. Can say all the right stuff to get what he wants. She told me about stories where the wife and OM would go out with friends of the wife's. And the husbands would say we are never going out with them again he is a piece of garbage and treats women like it also. To where she has no friends to even go out with him anymore just by herself. This part I didn't get but some how he has the wife's self-esteem at an all time low. Where she thinks she's not good enough for anybody or anything. Totally makes her feel worthless. The MIL even mentioned something about the kids how it's not good for them to be around OM. Where he could start manipulating them also. She stated the whole family is concerned with the wife's depression and anxiety attacks and want to commit her. OM is very controlling. When they are around her family now, he has it formed into her head that she is not to talk to them. When they call and he is around she hangs up on them. And that's what the wife told the MIL. So she's messed up more than I thought and I truly truly feel bad for her. Total brain washing going on sounds like.
This a was a lot to take in this morning. But some how made me understand more of what's going on. So my plan is when I get my kids back tonight act normal. And hopefully keep them at my house full time. This does not sound like a stable environment for them over there. I can probably make it work because of closing up the house deal in a little less than two weeks away and moving and all. The MIL said she has a plan. She knows she can't stop her daughter or force her into anything. But she can make OM life a living he!!. She was going to wait a day so the kids where gone from old house and pop in on the wife and OM.
None of that is really my concern. My only concern is my kids. And I want to protect them the best I can. Even MIL said that the kids should stay with me full time and the wife can see them when she gets it together. Which made me feel good to have some support on her side with them.
Here's to hoping everything works out ok!
Thanks for caring 3kids
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
Wow! Sounds dangerous. My sister was with a man who did the very same thing, brainwashed her into believing whatever he told her.
If you have tried to hear something about the kids and she won't contact you, I would either get the police, or her brother to go with you and get them.
Don't you think it's time to get a restraining order to keep OM away from your children?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So a little tough love and boundaries set again last night. She would not let me keep the kids full time. Which at this point is fine. Kids seem fine. Just a little worried about where there going to live next week.
In a quick discussion last night. I got told that there not together and I just don't understand the situation. Ha ha. I was as calm as I could be but had to take a couple of real hard deep breaths. I was told that she really still wants to work on our marriage and she understands that OM can't be in her life at all. Told me that we need to sit down and discuss every thing in a very serious convo and needs to be soon. She mentions she might be able to rent a town home.
Boundaries set a little stricter this time. With OM staying at your place now I am to understand you are still together. So if kids come to live at my place she can pick them up anytime but is not welcome to sleep at my house. Nor if he is still in her life can I help her move anything. On her own now. ( this was a little scary doing that because we have to clean this place and she hasn't even started to pack anything in less then ten days away). Also found out that apparently court date is still on for June 10. And she wants to stop it. As in we need to stop this it can't happen.
Come this morning. Calls me to request a child support check she accidentally ripped a couple of weeks ago. Told her that's fine swing by and pick it up but we need to discuss these checks depending on what happens. She agrees and says we need to really sit down. Give her the check and she accuses me of going back to the old angry person now. I calmly tell her I'm not and tell her I am just sick of being to lies. She says yes you are now your not even going to help me. I said not if your with OM. She says what does it all matter the kids tell me you have a girlfriend. So it won't work anyways. I say no I don't and they told me that as a joke to you. Her again doesn't matter I don't need your help I'll figure it all out on my own. I wish her luck and a good day.
So why does it feel bad to not help this person? Should I feel bad? She is being manipulated. On Thursday she was all good. In came OM turned her all around and bad again. And now she is trying to cake eat. By getting my help. Am I wrong? How should I be acting? I think I'm right. Wow!
All I know is if she is not moved out by this weekend. I'm going to have to help her. House gets sold on the 6th.
What to do?
3kids
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
Don't strain at a nat and swallow a camel. There are more serious issues here, other than moving her things out of your house before the new owners take over. Whenever your lines get blurred, step back and look at your true motives.
This is not some die-hard DB rule. The advice usually given, is not to assist the WW in her initial move out from the marital home. The point is not to physically help breaking apart the home. The H should not be her available buddy to help whenever she needs a handyman. The WW needs introduced to the new aspect in the relationship.
However, your stitch has moved past this initial move out. I see no value in not getting her things out of there so that you can finally release the house and move forward. In comparison to the other problems, this is only a little dot.
There seems to be a gap from the last post. She never responded to you about the kids? How did they get home? Has she told you OM will be staying with her?
If that is the case, what could possibly merit a long, serious discussion? There have already been long, serious conversations......to no avail. OM is back and you move on without her. Once you get her things out of the sold house, she's on her own. No more family time spent at your place.
Does OM supply her drugs? You really need to do all that is within your legal power to protect your children from him.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi thank you. Yes I did get the kids back last night by wife. Something's not right with her. Your drug comment scares me. That thought has always been in the back of my head. Who knows? She did not tell me that OM would be staying with her if she got new place. Just that it was done with him but I didn't understand the situation and she didn't have to explain herself. That was enough said right there. I'm waiting to hear back from MIL to see if she finds anything out. As of right now with her mind set I do not want to push to hard. I don't want to damage her in the kids eyes. We have not told them what's going on. And I think they are pretty clueless on our matters. To the point she didn't even tell them about this town home she's looking at. As far as they know as of today they are possibly going to stay at dads for a little bit when old house is a done deal.
I'm thinking until this house deal is done my emotions are going to be crazy. So really just trying to stay focused on kids and my goals in life.
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
You think your 13 yr old doesn't have a clue what is going on with his mother? I mean with the drugs and the A, not about the townhouse.
I am not suggesting you do something to damage her even more in the eyes of her children, although, what could you do worse than what she has already done to herself? I merly said you should not trust her to give her "version" of the story and you should be present when they are told. The fact she is insistent on telling them alone, should give you a hint that she is going to gloss it over. I don't mean they have to know the gory details, but neither should they (especially the teenager) believe part of this your fault.
I think you should be scared! Your children are exposed and vulnerable to a number of bad things, and you know for certain part is connected to this man. She is on drugs and you have not considered he may be supplying? How could she buy it, of you are having to give her financial help? She is brainwashed, manipulated, and apparently controlled by him. Whether it's through drugs, psychologically, or both......he has remained in control. And, she is an adult, so what chances would a child stand? She said you didn't understand or it was complicated. That is coming from a woman who is not in love, but being controlled.
I have no doubt you love your children with all your being. I just have a hard time understanding why something can't be done to ensure their safety, considering the situation. If their own grandmother is ready to do this guy in.....that should tell you he is really bad news. Why not get a restraining order, where this man can not be around them?
I can't remember, but don't you have physical custody of the kids? Why are you having to pay her child support? Did this actually go through the legal system, or you just give it to her to help out?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Turns out the wife is now with family. She is messed up bad(not physically, mentally). OM refused to leave her alone. She acts normall as can be infront of kids. The kids are staying with me. The wife refuses to let any of us call police on OM. So at this time just keeping her safe is there priority.
As for me I have to start packing up old house. I'm going to give it a day or so. Maybe he will leave. When I do have to go out there I'm going to bring some friends to help and also so nothing happens to him. I think at this point we just let everything calm down for a bit.
I have never had to deal with something like this. I did see her for a little bit last night to do taxes. And all I said was I'm glad to see her safe. And got a huge back lash. So as for now just going to be positive around her and fun. Not going to bring up anything.
If anyone has any advise on this please help! Websites, books, anything at all!
Thanks 3kids
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
