Toots - I wish it was not happening to my H and I. But I need to face reality and this means to keep life going in a more health direction. It's quite difficult to DB with H.
Sometimes I think he is in the fog, lost and in a lot of pain. Other times I think he is going through a lot of guilty knowing what he is doing to his family. Other times I think he is an MLCer by the book with all the craziness they endure.
So, being so lost on what is real and not real I agree with you that the best thing now is to put some distance between us and see where life take us.
Jim - I tough I own this to myself, to my kids and to H too. He told me I did hurt him deeply when I stop hugging and kissing him. I know I did this. The more I wanted his attention and affection, the more I drove him away from me.
I can't forget that I was the one the asked for the D a week earlier then him. I was a big mess before the DBomb. I was empty and unhappy to the max. I couldn't breath around my H anymore.
Maybe, it would be easier for H if I never found the DB books and this board. I changed, H can see my changes and I know he likes it. In the same time, what was so sure in his mind became a big issue if Pink will be this new person forever or if this is just a moment to drive him back to the R.
My changes makes him think of what, if, why... and he is in a big dilemma. There is also this issue about MLC. I started believing that this is a real thing.
H is in complete distress and does not know what direction to take. He even says that he is getting older, that he does not have much time to be happy. That he gave up on our marriage because he can die tomorrow and he did not want to spend any time trying any more.
He told me he did not want to give up, and for a long time he didn't, but he got to his limit and he gave up and now he need to live with his decisions.
What to do? I think that the only thing I can do is to disappear from his life. Like you said, just deal with D and kids issues and that's all. Maybe it's time that will tell me if our M can be healed or not.
Now, it is even my issue, since I do not know what I stand anymore. By one hand I feel I want my M, to get back together, work on our wounds. By other hand, I feel like a bird that wants to fly again. I wonder if I would be happier if I just let go and start walking in another direction.
I really don't know anymore. I am tired of hurting. I want to give up too and end the whole drama. I was never a person that would stick to anything or anybody to start with.
I think I need time to heal, time to get stronger, some happy moments to make feel alive. It's just to much and I am feeling hopeless. I feel that my M is over, that we will get D and that there will be nothing more to us.
It's time to rest a bit. I have no more energy for all the turmoil. I will see what happens, but I think it is all over. I am letting go, I know it is happening inside me.
Jim, RD is my inspiration to think that "man" is not evil. He makes me smile and think that there are good men out there. I think I feel like having a lot of things in common with him. He is a house mouse with a tiger spirit. Love it.
Thanks again for all your help. Without you guys I would be a real disaster.
