Onwards and upwards.

[Mozza]

She doesn't have any stress, in fact, I only ever see or hear about her having fun. She doesn't even realise how much this is all affecting me. I've never done anything in my life that warrants me being made to feel like this.

I'm not sure you're being "made" feel like this. S is something that happens to a lot of people and we all have different reactions. On these boards, you see a lot of distress, but I have friends who have been much more accepting of it and just moving on within weeks or months. What I mean is that it's not your W that makes you feel like this, it's yourself, it's your reaction. Don't get me wrong: the circumstances are dire and of course you're going to be sad and down. But don't blame her for your reaction. Look inside of you.

That's what my IC helped me to do. He made me realize that I had put in my W certain ideas about myself and that the pain was to see these things go. For instance, my W is good looking, more than me, and so she was a sort of trophy wife that validated my own appearance and worth by her presence by my side. Another thing, and it is the one that should relate to you, is that I'm not comfortable with the idea of seducing a woman, of putting my needs and desire out there. In fact, I'm terrified of it. My IC made me realize that if I was much more comfortable and confident, I would react more calmly to my stich.

This is not to disregard the very real reasons you have to be sad. It's just to explore the reasons for the depth of your pain and your recent relapse.

I begged her to call all this off (I know guys, I know) because I love her and just want this to end.

Two excellent reasons for her to end this?

It's not like we've only been married for 2 years and they've been bad - we had 20 years together before that. I can't think of a single good moment in my life that she either wasn't there for or was part of

This is crazy talk. You were almost 20 when you met your W. You've had plenty of good times before you met her and you had plenty of bad times with her.

and it's heartbreaking to see that she's happier and better off without me.

Same here. When my W left me, she stopped all her medications and IC. She was on cloud me, free at last. When I met her, she had the glow of love and good sex. Guess what: five months later, she was back on medication and worse. Your W is on a high right now, finally doing what has been a secret desire. Don't go thinking that it's going to be for the rest of her life. She has not escaped the indignities of life.

In the long run, we have to stop comparing our happiness to that of our W, or even to feel competitive with other men who might make them happy. As an insecure Nice Guy like you, it drives me nuts too -- probably because deep down it makes me feel like an inferior male who can't compete to pass on his genes. Or according to the Nice Guy approach because it reveals our flaws, which we're trying hard to hide.

She didn't say a lot, apart from that she couldn't stop this. I asked because I'm desperate.

She did the right thing by listening and being steadfast, since that's her mindset. You shouldn't be looking for reassurance from her. And you shouldn't approach her when you're desperate. Has desperation ever worked with any woman? Ladies on this board, are you looking for a desperate man?

I'm trying so hard guys, so hard to make myself think like her in that this is all for the best. It's a constant battle though because I DON'T think it's for the best...not for me.

It doesn't have to be for the best. You don't have to agree with her. You've taken this too far. I don't think that my S is for the best, not for me, not for my kids, not even for my WW. It is what it is: reality. That's all you need to accept. It's her choice and as surprising as it is, she has every right to make it. We have no control and can only deal with dignity with the downfall.

Deep down, I still feel like I did at BD. I'm saying and doing all the right things in an effort to change my feelings about the whole thing but it's just not working. I come here and write to try and help with changing my feelings and to try to remain positive and upbeat. It's great to get positive feedback from you guys about how well I'm doing and I have found it a comfort. I can't help feeling like it's all just a sham on my part though.

I was concerned about this. Your changes had been very quick. As a Nice Guy, you adapt to meet expectations and it's possible that you've adapted to the expectations of this board. You want to be told that you're a good man, that you're doing things right. You find value in this because you don't find it in you. So you say what people want to hear.

Keep sharing what you are going through. This a large community of people who get it and are on your side.