Sorry guys, but my weekend was a roller coaster on itself, it was the most painful torture I ever had.
H comes to the house on saturday 3pm - I said Hi, how you doing? He said he was fine and asked how I was and I said I was fine too and sat on the cough to do my calculations for the D papers.
H started doing something in the kitchen, I did not paid much attention, then he comes with my blue vase with a spring bouquet... did I say it was big and gorgeous?
H said it was for me, that for awhile he did not give me flowers. I was shocked, couldn't speak, then he said that I could through it away if I want to, because it was given by him. I said: well, there is no need, you know how much I like spring flowers and they look wonderful. H said I know, that's why I am giving it to you, because I know you.
Really? We are getting together to work on the financial side of our D and he gives me flowers?
The rest of the saturday was working on papers and talking about us, what went wrong. He apologized a lot, I apologized a lot.
He cried many times, said that he hate doing this divorce. Asking why I served papers to him. I reminded him that he asked for the D, he left the house and is having an affair. Not so much for DBing, words of affirmation.
Finally I went to my room, to get some rest because it is very hard to be with someone saying how much he loves me, but still wants to D you.
I closed my bedroom door, laid in bed and was trying to sleep, then H comes to the door and knock, and knock, and knock. He kept knocking my door and asking me to open, to talk to him. Then he started calling on my cell and still knocking the door.
He sat outside the bedroom door and kept knocking and asking me if I was OK, that he needed to talk to me. H finally open the door and came to talk to me. He was crying and said that he understand why I don't love him anymore.
WHAT? I said to him, you are the way that wants this D and told me you can't be in this marriage anymore.
I tried to get away from him and he came after me, we sat on the bathroom floor. We talked a lot. He said that he is starting understanding that he was a jerk, that he didn't give me the love, respect and importance that I deserve.
H said that I did everything and he was selfish thinking about himself all the time, he was worry about his work, career, school, and he left me alone with the whole burden.
He said that he was very sorry for treating me so bad for so long. I told him that I was no angel, and that I know how many times I did bad things, sad harsh words.
Then I said that many times I was upset with him because I wanted his attention and that I was always the last one on his list of priorities. He said that he felt I did not love him for a long time, because I did not give him too much attention.
Then I said to him that many times I told him I was empty, that the pressure with our older son going through a tough time was too much, that I was extremely stressed out with the fact that our son was trying to commit suicide.
He said that he left me alone with all the trouble and that he is not worthy to ask my forgiveness.
During these whole conversation H was crying hard, then I finally broke, I also cried a lot. It was painful.
There is a lot more, but I will write a little later.
Thanks for stopping by. I don't think he is in a stage of understanding anything. H seems to be in another planet. He is leaving hell and is dragging everyone he can with him.
I think that the best for me right now is to put some distance between us.
After all the turmoil during the day on saturday, I drove my H to his place by midnight, to get his snowboarding gear so he could go to the mountains with S17 on sunday. He couldn't drive, was very tired and weak.
He is spent the night in my bed again. Nothing happen, but we spent the night very close, he hugged me tight. Sunday he made breakfast while I went to church.
When I come back, he was waiting for me, said that he had fresh fruit because he knows how much I love it in the morning. He made fresh bread too.
The whole sunday it was the same, we did a lot of papers and he cried a lot and I cried a lot too. Many times he spoke with me like I was the one that left him.
Finally I lost it. I did not care about DBing or anything else. I told him that I had enough and that he should stop with all the stupidity. I said that I know very well that he loves still and a lot. But it is his choice to throw away my love, our marriage, his family.
I said to him that I was doing exactly what he was asking for. I said that D means: I want to D because I don't want or I can't be with you anymore.
Then he turns everything around and say that D is just a paper, that we have too much love between us to be measure just by a single paper. That D doesn't mean anything.
He is crazy, totally insane at this point. And that's why I need to put some distance between us. I can't afford to be like this. He does it all and is still going to spend a week in France, with the OP.
He even said that there is something that bothers him about her. She is atheist and does not believe in any religion. And it's hard for him because he believes in God.
I did not say anything about, it's not my business and I do not care about her.
I am a mess, but somehow he is making me stronger too. I feel that I do not like someone so messed up besides me. I asked my H to look for professional help, for himself. He is very reserved about this. But I said that he needs to help himself of all his childhood wounds. The fact that he was abandoned by his mom, his dad died when he was 8 years old and his step mom abandoned him later too. And now, he is pretending that I abandoned him too.
There was a moment that we were talking in the kitchen and when I lost it and said many things about us. I cried hard and he came close to me, put his knees on the floor and hugged my legs saying that he does not deserve a person like me.
That I am an amazing woman and he will never find someone like me. That I am his whole world and he will love me forever. I got away from H and at this moment my S14 came.
S14 grabbed my arm and start pulling me away and said: Mom, come with me. I told him we were fine, that we were just talking the hard talk. S14 said that he does not want to see me crying anymore, that I deserve better.
S14 said that I do not want to see you like this anymore, that I can't cry anymore. He said: It's enough, you need to stop crying because I need you. I do not need anyone else in my life but I need you, only you. He hugged me and gave me a kiss. He looked at his dad and said: It's enough, I do not need you, I need mom with me.
H took it hard, cried like there was no tomorrow.
And that's another reason I need some distance from H right now. My kids are also seeing all his turmoil. It's not good for my teenagers to see their dad in such mess.
H is still doing drugs. I saw he had Marijuana. He did not use it at the house, but he had it and it was quite a lot. I do not know if he is doing something else.
At this point he is not coping with his decisions and actions, he is faking his way out of the trouble he creating for himself.
Now, I decide to go dark, very dark. We do not need much contact beside doing the 2014 taxes. I am thinking to do it myself, so to avoid the contact with him. I need some time to think if I want this marriage. If I want someone so messed up in my life.
I am very independent, I want to be happy, and I do not know if it is possible with the man he became. He says that I am very strong and different now. That he can see and feel how strong I am getting every day. Yes, I have been helping myself. But I can't say the same for him.
I see him unhappy, weak, getting older and older by the minute. He is unattractive.
I don't know what is going to happen. H left my H around 1:30am on monday. He left about three times. He kept coming back for another hug, crying.
The last time I walked to his car and I said: I will say this one time and will be the last time. I love you with all my heart, I even think I love more then ever now. I want you back, I want my marriage back, my family back together. I won't beg you and I won't get in your way, but if you decide it's better for you to come back to your wife, to your house, to your family, then talk to me. I will leave the door open. I do not give you any guarantees that I will be here for you one day when you decide to come back. I will see in what page my life will be then, but you there is any chance you change your mind, then come back and talk to me.
I left it there, the door is open and he needs to make his decision.
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I know there will be a lot of 2 x 4s on my head. I don't even knew how to DBing at this point. I don't know if I was doing the right or wrong thing. It was a turmoil of emotions. I just know I need distance, for my own sanity, I need distance.
So, for Easter I already planned with my kids that we are going to the church and will leave from there to Mesa Verde, then we will go to Pagosa Springs. Not much, but I am taking a three days vacation and will disappear. H is thinking to spend Easter with his family. Well, too bad, no family for him.
Now, I checked on my posts on sunday night, H was doing some papers around. Then I read RD's comment on the movie I mention. RD said that he can cut the grass, and I started laughing by myself. It was very funny.
H asked me what was going on and I said that my Irish friend wrote something funny to me. I told H what was about without mentioning DB. Then I said, would you stay with the kids for a week if I decide to leave the country for a week? He asked me where I was going, if back to Brasil, I told him no, I am thinking to go to Ireland.
H looked at me in surprise. I said that maybe I need to find my life somewhere else. H said that he would be with the kids but he is does not like the fact that I am putting myself in this kind of situation. I told him that it is not up to him anymore to decide what is good or bad for me and that I am a big girl that needs to decide for herself.
H asked a lot of questions about this Ireland trip. I just said that I was thinking to know better some of my kind of people.
So, RD, thank you for giving me a reason to smile. Love the comment.
Gosh Pink - sounds like you had a very emotional weekend. I think you are quite right to build in some more distance. When I was reading all that you wrote, I remembered a comment someone made on your sitch about "kitty MLCer."
I think your H is still deep in fog, confused, all over the place, feeling sorry for himself. He's telling you, you are his whole world.
What isn't he doing? The one key thing that would be needed to start repairing this - ending things with OW, transparency with you etc. No. He wants to keep all of that right now. In fact he's off to visit her very shortly. All he's saying is that he's concerned about her religion as though he's considering her as a future life partner!
IMHO, you need to protect yourself and your boys from this as best you can and not let it pull you under. He will carry on as he is unless you maintain clear boundaries.
Good for you planning a nice trip over Easter for you and your boys....
((((((((PINK)))))))))
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
That must have been hard so well done. I think your comments as he got in the car were spot on (vets may disagree) but your actions now need to follow through by being completely dark except for essential divorce/child stuff.
I have no clue what's going on with him but it's nuts and unhealthy whatever it is. And if he's using drugs best you protect yourself and your kids with some distance.
(((((Pink)))))
RD, you at the airport yet?
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
He needs to understand this