Onwards and upwards.

[Fogg]

I don't know if I should put this or not but I found myself thinking this morning (not for the first time) if my life insurance policy will pay out in the event of my suicide. My W and kids will get a large sum of money and the house gets paid for. I don't want to die, but the thoughts of losing the only woman i've ever loved, my home, and all my dreams for the future are overwhelming.
It's only thoughts of the kids that stop me.

I miss my W and family, and I'm so tired guys.

Barry, this part of your post worries me alot. I completely understand those feelings because I had them two months ago. You don't want to die, but at the same time you don't want to live. Its a bad place to be in and if your going down that road you need to talk to someone to get some help. If your in counseling talk to that person, use a hotline if needed. Find someone to speak with.

Understand this. Your children will not in any circumstances be better off without you. No amount of life insurance money in the world can replace you to them. I understand your hurting, but they will not be better off. In fact, the pain you are feeling now would only be passed to your children if something happened to you. You cant do that to them. You understand how painful it is, be the man you need to be right now so you don't pass it off to your children/W. You don't deserve this pain, but neither do they.

Don't give up on things, I know it doesn't look good. It doesn't for any of us. You will be ok. I had a similar breakdown recently about detaching. I thought I was doing very well with it and then crashed hard when I realized I was just fooling myself about how well I was doing. I'm struggling to not show those emotions to my W aswell, you need to work on that. Don't let this cause you to backslide too much, understand how you are feeling, accept it and take baby steps to keep going. Nothing about this is going to be a short process but giving up or trying to force it to go faster will not help. Stop trying to control the outcome of your M, you can only control yourself and you still have work to do.

I know your tired, I am also. Nothing in life that's worth it is easy, but at the end of this you will be able to look back and see the journey was worth it, no matter where you end up.