Thanks for stopping by. I don't think he is in a stage of understanding anything. H seems to be in another planet. He is leaving hell and is dragging everyone he can with him.
I think that the best for me right now is to put some distance between us.
After all the turmoil during the day on saturday, I drove my H to his place by midnight, to get his snowboarding gear so he could go to the mountains with S17 on sunday. He couldn't drive, was very tired and weak.
He is spent the night in my bed again. Nothing happen, but we spent the night very close, he hugged me tight. Sunday he made breakfast while I went to church.
When I come back, he was waiting for me, said that he had fresh fruit because he knows how much I love it in the morning. He made fresh bread too.
The whole sunday it was the same, we did a lot of papers and he cried a lot and I cried a lot too. Many times he spoke with me like I was the one that left him.
Finally I lost it. I did not care about DBing or anything else. I told him that I had enough and that he should stop with all the stupidity. I said that I know very well that he loves still and a lot. But it is his choice to throw away my love, our marriage, his family.
I said to him that I was doing exactly what he was asking for. I said that D means: I want to D because I don't want or I can't be with you anymore.
Then he turns everything around and say that D is just a paper, that we have too much love between us to be measure just by a single paper. That D doesn't mean anything.
He is crazy, totally insane at this point. And that's why I need to put some distance between us. I can't afford to be like this. He does it all and is still going to spend a week in France, with the OP.
He even said that there is something that bothers him about her. She is atheist and does not believe in any religion. And it's hard for him because he believes in God.
I did not say anything about, it's not my business and I do not care about her.
I am a mess, but somehow he is making me stronger too. I feel that I do not like someone so messed up besides me. I asked my H to look for professional help, for himself. He is very reserved about this. But I said that he needs to help himself of all his childhood wounds. The fact that he was abandoned by his mom, his dad died when he was 8 years old and his step mom abandoned him later too. And now, he is pretending that I abandoned him too.
There was a moment that we were talking in the kitchen and when I lost it and said many things about us. I cried hard and he came close to me, put his knees on the floor and hugged my legs saying that he does not deserve a person like me.
That I am an amazing woman and he will never find someone like me. That I am his whole world and he will love me forever. I got away from H and at this moment my S14 came.
S14 grabbed my arm and start pulling me away and said: Mom, come with me. I told him we were fine, that we were just talking the hard talk. S14 said that he does not want to see me crying anymore, that I deserve better.
S14 said that I do not want to see you like this anymore, that I can't cry anymore. He said: It's enough, you need to stop crying because I need you. I do not need anyone else in my life but I need you, only you. He hugged me and gave me a kiss. He looked at his dad and said: It's enough, I do not need you, I need mom with me.
H took it hard, cried like there was no tomorrow.
And that's another reason I need some distance from H right now. My kids are also seeing all his turmoil. It's not good for my teenagers to see their dad in such mess.
H is still doing drugs. I saw he had Marijuana. He did not use it at the house, but he had it and it was quite a lot. I do not know if he is doing something else.
At this point he is not coping with his decisions and actions, he is faking his way out of the trouble he creating for himself.
Now, I decide to go dark, very dark. We do not need much contact beside doing the 2014 taxes. I am thinking to do it myself, so to avoid the contact with him. I need some time to think if I want this marriage. If I want someone so messed up in my life.
I am very independent, I want to be happy, and I do not know if it is possible with the man he became. He says that I am very strong and different now. That he can see and feel how strong I am getting every day. Yes, I have been helping myself. But I can't say the same for him.
I see him unhappy, weak, getting older and older by the minute. He is unattractive.
I don't know what is going to happen. H left my H around 1:30am on monday. He left about three times. He kept coming back for another hug, crying.
The last time I walked to his car and I said: I will say this one time and will be the last time. I love you with all my heart, I even think I love more then ever now. I want you back, I want my marriage back, my family back together. I won't beg you and I won't get in your way, but if you decide it's better for you to come back to your wife, to your house, to your family, then talk to me. I will leave the door open. I do not give you any guarantees that I will be here for you one day when you decide to come back. I will see in what page my life will be then, but you there is any chance you change your mind, then come back and talk to me.
I left it there, the door is open and he needs to make his decision.
--------------
I know there will be a lot of 2 x 4s on my head. I don't even knew how to DBing at this point. I don't know if I was doing the right or wrong thing. It was a turmoil of emotions. I just know I need distance, for my own sanity, I need distance.
So, for Easter I already planned with my kids that we are going to the church and will leave from there to Mesa Verde, then we will go to Pagosa Springs. Not much, but I am taking a three days vacation and will disappear. H is thinking to spend Easter with his family. Well, too bad, no family for him.
Now, I checked on my posts on sunday night, H was doing some papers around. Then I read RD's comment on the movie I mention. RD said that he can cut the grass, and I started laughing by myself. It was very funny.
H asked me what was going on and I said that my Irish friend wrote something funny to me. I told H what was about without mentioning DB. Then I said, would you stay with the kids for a week if I decide to leave the country for a week? He asked me where I was going, if back to Brasil, I told him no, I am thinking to go to Ireland.
H looked at me in surprise. I said that maybe I need to find my life somewhere else. H said that he would be with the kids but he is does not like the fact that I am putting myself in this kind of situation. I told him that it is not up to him anymore to decide what is good or bad for me and that I am a big girl that needs to decide for herself.
H asked a lot of questions about this Ireland trip. I just said that I was thinking to know better some of my kind of people.
So, RD, thank you for giving me a reason to smile. Love the comment.
