Onwards and upwards.

[Barry]

I had to leave work early yesterday, and I probably will today as well - I'm really not feeling well at the moment. I'm so unhappy and the stress of all of this is too much. I slept for 5 hours in the middle of the day yesterday just so I didn't have to think about any of it.

I totally messed up last night too. I went to see W and broke down.

She doesn't have any stress, in fact, I only ever see or hear about her having fun. She doesn't even realise how much this is all affecting me. I've never done anything in my life that warrants me being made to feel like this.

I begged her to call all this off (I know guys, I know) because I love her and just want this to end. It's not like we've only been married for 2 years and they've been bad - we had 20 years together before that. I can't think of a single good moment in my life that she either wasn't there for or was part of and it's heartbreaking to see that she's happier and better off without me.
She didn't say a lot, apart from that she couldn't stop this. I asked because I'm desperate.

I'm trying so hard guys, so hard to make myself think like her in that this is all for the best. It's a constant battle though because I DON'T think it's for the best...not for me. Deep down, I still feel like I did at BD. I'm saying and doing all the right things in an effort to change my feelings about the whole thing but it's just not working. I come here and write to try and help with changing my feelings and to try to remain positive and upbeat. It's great to get positive feedback from you guys about how well I'm doing and I have found it a comfort. I can't help feeling like it's all just a sham on my part though.

I don't know if I should put this or not but I found myself thinking this morning (not for the first time) if my life insurance policy will pay out in the event of my suicide. My W and kids will get a large sum of money and the house gets paid for. I don't want to die, but the thoughts of losing the only woman i've ever loved, my home, and all my dreams for the future are overwhelming.
It's only thoughts of the kids that stop me.

I miss my W and family, and I'm so tired guys.