Part 17 - Edz, living in interesting times

[edz]

Thanks Toots

In the office today so no updates happening really - usual monring routine but a little earlier! Edz is not a morning Edz!)

Yup taken onboard from both w and db'ers - edz volume turned back down and back in getting on with getting on until w contacts me mode.

It's easy to get excited and want more contact but we're not vaguely into the ballpark yet, not even the turnoff for the car park! Things are better, much better, communications are open, w has made noises on not ruling out a reconciliation when in July she'd have happily never seen me again. That's progress enough for one week but its very easy to want things to accellerate and want actions that w is very probably simply not ready for yet.

I was thinking last night that, thanks to the weekend, w has told me what amounts to the next series of 180's that I can start to work on my aspect of. OK, some I can do nothing about but validate (her feeling she faces a choice of me or her mum for instance) but even in those cases I can validate, in that case specifically for instance I can point out that her mum is not likely to permanently cut her out of her life as she worries about, I cant imagine she'd want to lose contact with her grandson.

Son being stressed is going to be an issue regardless of whether we stay separated, move to reconcile or (especially if we should have to) move toward and through divorce and potentially new partners so we should work out the best support we can offer him individually and together as well as any councilling support we can arrange. This has to be a given regardless of outcome to ensure its not in any way a leveraging point, s's happiness will be worked on regardless of our sitch.

Issues from our past, her behaviour and mine, they cant be changed. As we discussed at the weekend I cant change my previous behaviour, the fact I was under Major Depression doesnt excuse my very poor relation with son or my insular withdrawn behaviour and codependency - it explains it but doesnt excuse it or the hurt to w.

I have to let go of her distancing me, pushing me away and not giving love or intamacy the stressors that triggered and fed my depression.

For my actions, my 180 on needyness, codependency and being more outgoing and communicative (as well as taking care of myself) is evident, I can validate and work with w on the other parts but apart from attending couples therapy if w thinks it would help her and us I cant let go of those issues for her only she can.

Relationship and behaviour with s needs no comments on the changes made its all evident.

None of this is Mr Fixit proposing solutions, just my actions that I can influence or ensure I offer to help w feel comfortable.

So I'll work on those and how I can validate and help her to feel more relaxed and comfortable, reassure her and help her to feel comfortable with decisions she makes that are completely her to make (her mum for instance).

It will be a long road anyway, I know that I just hope she'll choose to walk down it with me.

Its a little scary point as it does feel like theres a possibility something is so close to happening but also so far. Working on having no expectations and giving her space while I get on. The latter is fairly engrained by now and happening the former is more of an effort but I'm trying.

Thanks all.