You are totally correct. The A has made it very hard, as i found out right in the middle of intense self work, and it just keeps creeping in to trip me up.
I mean abusive in a physical, get out the marriage now.
Neglectful, yes, i was VERY neglectful, and just burrowed deeper into work and myself as she became verbal with me. It was definitely a vicious groundhog day cycle, and at least that portion of it has not been repeating, although the underlying issues she's still very much holding onto like a war medal. Its her justification for everything right now, and i accept that, as its something that is directly related to actions and emotions i caused.
She was very open with me about her emotions, but you'd have to understand how. It was always a cycle of railing into me for all the things i did wrong first, then the feelings would come in, then a few more insults to my manhood, husbandry, etc. It was a sprinkling back and forth of this in every conversation.
I don't want that for my life anymore, of that i'm sure, and while i still love my wife, i don't ever desire that kind of a relationship again, one where i mentally checked out so much, or one where i felt belittled.
It wasn't that i was expecting rewards, but when someone tells you you NEVER do something, or that you never try, its hard to not focus on the things you felt you DID do to make things better. While i do agree with you, that a healthy relationship is a good balance of give and take, i think everyone still likes to hear their hard work is appreciated, whether for their family, relationship, or providing at work or at home. I know i could've definitely been more proactive, as many men could/should about the work it takes to run a house of kids.
How can one ever hope to focus on the problems of the marriage itself, when 2-5x daily, the OM calls, or she calls him? Suddenly its not about the marriage anymore, but about tying it off so she can proceed without feeling tied down.
As a wrap up of sorts, i did actually write a letter to her this morning, and sent it. I'm in NZ for another 10 days, so in person wasn't going to fly.
I told her in no uncertain words that she is free to move forward, that i wasn't going to hold her back from being happy, and in fact wanted to give her the divorce she so desperately wants so she can be free and happy. I told her that I don't agree with the divorce, but didn't want to stand in the way of her needing to leave the marriage and be happy either, so i would sign papers once they're drafted up in a few weeks.
She's expecting me to become nasty, and i know a huge part of that is the continued contact with the OM, but i'm not. I did tell her i will be civil, and there for my children, and would never bash her, or talk bad about her, to friends, family, and especially not my children.
I can't stop her from having the A, but everyone here is right in that i can choose to cut ties with the behavior and not be a part of it any longer.
We're in a lease until August, and neither of us can afford to move out right now, so i have to deal with being in a house, even if in different rooms where the A is still quite prevalent and in my face. I know i just need to look past it, but i also know most here knows how hard that is when its still active. Very tough.
As for me. I've been working on myself a LOT lately. Getting to bed on time. Better about letting my wife talk when she wants to, but once the blame comes out i do excuse myself from being bashed any longer by excusing myself from the conversation.
Its going to be a VERY long 5 months in the mix, but i know it'll also be over before i know it, and i'll be out the other side a better person for it all. Its the one thing D-Day and the A have given me, a massive jolt, even though i was working on myself already, it was like a lightning bolt of energy that was added to the equation.
I definitely feel like i've faltered continually, then found my way, then stepped back again. Each time does get a "little" bit quicker, from the falter to the adjustment. So thats good progress i guess.
I do, truly forgive my wife for the anger and resentment, as i understand wholly what i brought to the table and the problems i caused in our M. It just doesn't get through right now, and i'm not sure if its the hurt and anger blocking it, the A, or both (likely both).
I'm trying to come up with my plan now of things to set in motion for the coming 5 months and beyond so i can really focus on that, my kids, exercise, guitar lessons, and work. Thats the best i can think to do right now, and try hard to just let the A go as much as it bothers me.
Complex:
Yes, i totally agree. The post was more out of frustration, as i don't think i could ever actually "out" my wife. I've never in our 12 years said a negative thing about her to anyone. It doesn't even feel right when i actually sat down and thought of what i would do, or how i'd feel, in making that happen. Not a good feeling at all.
I think the post was a catalyst after reading a few other sites that push hard for the immediate outing of the A, and as you likely know, there is such a thing as too much, and sometimes BAD information out there that is pawned off as gospel.
I've tried up, re-evaluated, and have made my stance now. Going to follow through with giving her the D, and go from there in my own life. If at some point she realizes that i have changed, maybe it won't be after i've moved past the relationship. Time will tell at this point.
I'm also not totally myopic into thinking i'll always be positive, and firm in my beliefs. I know i'll continue to falter on certain things DB/180/LRT, but i will keep working at it when i do trip up. This forum is definitely worth its weight in gold from the caliber of people here that are able and willing to help fellow DBers in their quest for M, whether it ends in D or not.
M: 10 years, T: 12 years Me: 41, WAW: 38 SS:19, D:18, SD:7
