Yup, it stands for Rising Above It - I

[Mozza]

Hey RAI - Thanks for stopping by my thread. Hopefully, Wonka will see it and come by. By the way, there's no other way to address a specific poster. You could always click on their name and see their latest post to go write under it.

I'll give you my newcomer's opinion while I'm here. Know that I can sometimes be blunt, even when I don't mean to, and I have the zeal of the convert on certain topics but I really only mean to help you reach your goals and I'm on your side.

Brace yourself if you're asking for veteran's advice on your MBR situation. They don't mince words and they have no sympathy for WAW who make a joke of their LBS like your W is doing to you by conducting an affair while remaining with you (and making you wash her kinky underwear - I mean, read that again; it should be in a telenovella). I've not read your entire sitch, but you seem like a classic wet noodle. I'm also one inside but thanks to these forums, I've learnt to bury it and appear strong and decisive with my WW. I do it because I believe in the process. Have a look at the success stories at the top of my threads to understand how this thing works. You're not doing it right now.

I am trying to minimize awkwardness in the house and to move all her stuff will definitely make the act more defiant and more noticeable than it needs to be. I don't have a problem with her using her closet; just sleeping in the marital BR. I also don't want to do anything in a controlling fashion and this seems controlling.

If you're trying to minimize awkwardness, then that's what you'll get. If you're trying to save your M, then forget about these secondary goals. A general going into a war wants to win it first and minimize casualties second. Making the act noticeable is actually what you want. You want her to look at you and think: "Wow, I can't do what I want to this man." She'll be upset at first, they all are, but over time, you'll regain her respect and that's the foundation of love.

I doubt that you've read No More Mr Nice Guy, but I believe that it is the reading that would open your eyes most at this point. I suspect that your W is leaving you because you are trying to minimize awkwardness and such things. She has lost respect in you. I bet it's difficult to fathom and you probably think that there's nothing wrong with being nice. You should have a look at Barry's thread: he was the same, he read the book, understood a few important things about himself and took control of his life and sitch. You're long overdue for such a turnaround.

You probably need a major attitude change in your sitch and, perhaps, in your life. You need to become a man that we respect, not one that we appreciate and take advantage of. It's a bold statement from knowing you so little, so I let you be the judge of this, but read NMMNG before you discard this idea. My, your phone call with her on March 20th was... pathetic. Sorry, I can't find another word. I should spare your feelings, but something tells me that you'll gain more in the long run from being told straight what it looks like from the outside.

Have you thought of why your W would ever come back to you? Is it out of guilt for the kids or for who's spending the holidays where? No, it's because she will love you and be attracted again. A crier who's a ball of hurt is not attractive. You are hurting your sitch every time you present her that face. Is it hard not to? Tremendously. Is it worth it? Only you know. But if you think so, get with the program.

While I'm at it, I've some more bad news: your sitch is going to last a long time, probably one or two years, if the experience of others is any guide. There is no precedent on these boards of people being super-nice to their W and not rocking the boat where said W realized what a good and attractive man they have at their feet so they should just cancel the whole thing and snuggle in front of House of Cards with him before a session of steamy sex. This should give you some perspective on your actions in the present. You will not save your M in the coming days and weeks, barely in the coming months. She has embarked the both of you on a journey that will take you through hell and for a long time. Step back a little and look at the bigger picture.

Look, everyone is giving you the same advice to stand up for yourself. I know it goes against deeply held beliefs, fears, and shame. I get it. But with the help of my IC and a few books, I've started to see myself better and realize that it's by being like this that I got here. You won't get a different result by doing the same thing again.

Go RAI!