Sorry guys, but my weekend was a roller coaster on itself, it was the most painful torture I ever had.
H comes to the house on saturday 3pm - I said Hi, how you doing? He said he was fine and asked how I was and I said I was fine too and sat on the cough to do my calculations for the D papers.
H started doing something in the kitchen, I did not paid much attention, then he comes with my blue vase with a spring bouquet... did I say it was big and gorgeous?
H said it was for me, that for awhile he did not give me flowers. I was shocked, couldn't speak, then he said that I could through it away if I want to, because it was given by him. I said: well, there is no need, you know how much I like spring flowers and they look wonderful. H said I know, that's why I am giving it to you, because I know you.
Really? We are getting together to work on the financial side of our D and he gives me flowers?
The rest of the saturday was working on papers and talking about us, what went wrong. He apologized a lot, I apologized a lot.
He cried many times, said that he hate doing this divorce. Asking why I served papers to him. I reminded him that he asked for the D, he left the house and is having an affair. Not so much for DBing, words of affirmation.
Finally I went to my room, to get some rest because it is very hard to be with someone saying how much he loves me, but still wants to D you.
I closed my bedroom door, laid in bed and was trying to sleep, then H comes to the door and knock, and knock, and knock. He kept knocking my door and asking me to open, to talk to him. Then he started calling on my cell and still knocking the door.
He sat outside the bedroom door and kept knocking and asking me if I was OK, that he needed to talk to me. H finally open the door and came to talk to me. He was crying and said that he understand why I don't love him anymore.
WHAT? I said to him, you are the way that wants this D and told me you can't be in this marriage anymore.
I tried to get away from him and he came after me, we sat on the bathroom floor. We talked a lot. He said that he is starting understanding that he was a jerk, that he didn't give me the love, respect and importance that I deserve.
H said that I did everything and he was selfish thinking about himself all the time, he was worry about his work, career, school, and he left me alone with the whole burden.
He said that he was very sorry for treating me so bad for so long. I told him that I was no angel, and that I know how many times I did bad things, sad harsh words.
Then I said that many times I was upset with him because I wanted his attention and that I was always the last one on his list of priorities. He said that he felt I did not love him for a long time, because I did not give him too much attention.
Then I said to him that many times I told him I was empty, that the pressure with our older son going through a tough time was too much, that I was extremely stressed out with the fact that our son was trying to commit suicide.
He said that he left me alone with all the trouble and that he is not worthy to ask my forgiveness.
During these whole conversation H was crying hard, then I finally broke, I also cried a lot. It was painful.
There is a lot more, but I will write a little later.
