Confused 3

[Vanilla]

Thank You V

Okay here it goes,

When W puts in long hours I can say "You are such a hard worker and do a great job at helping provide for the family."

Validating is good Joe, but we validate the things we want repeated in our lives or that are positive or to acknowledge. In essence since you want W to stop her work, you do not praise it. OK? Instead silence on her job until you are ready to reinforce your boundary again. Find some other 'work' to praise, like the spring cleaning.

When W doesn't get certain things done during the day, I will not make a big deal about it.

could you consider silence!

I can also make phone calls.

Care not to take over, is there a way you could do this that will make you seem positive?

I can also thank her when she does get things done and so more appreciation.

I really like this, a simple thank you for......
Gratitude is great. We appreciate being appreciated (care not to overdo this) generally appreciate the things that are done voluntarily or take great effort. Intermittent is also good.

When we get in major arguments, I will not say things that hurt W and not say things to control the argument. When things get heated, I will take a time out.

Learning to argue properly is very good indeed. There is a book called blame storming which talks about arguing. It is mainly about taking the personal out of the argument and reducing escalation. Can you give me an example of an argument you had about something relatively minor and how you could have agreed to disagree or reached a compromise.

When wife is not in the mood I can say "I know you are not in the mood right now, would you like to just cuddle for awhile?"

Have you thought of saying "I could do with a hug right now?" stating this in the most positive way you can. You can reduce this to "would you like to just cuddle for a while", what would you do if W says "no"?

When we go to bed and W wants to cuddle I will say "I like it when you sleep next to me."

This is just lovely.

When I walk in the house after work I will ask W " So how was your day? Anything exciting happen?"

this is very positive, leave the junk at the door

I can willingly share my truck, tools, TV and everything with W.

When W asks then share, but expect respect for your things.

When we have problems with the kids, I can take responsibility also and support W through the problems.

Problems? Only problems, what about the fun stuff too? And in doing so how can you make sure that W feels empowered rather than you are taking over?


I will tell W that I love her more often, hug her more often, hold her hand and cuddle with her.

When W looks beautiful, I will tell her she looks beautiful and tell her that she looks nice in that outfit.

I will tell W how much I appreciate her. I will listen when she is upset and acknowledge her feelings without trying to fix the situation. I will tell W that I love her just the way she is. I will allow W to be who she is not who I think she should be.

How was that? I can see how this will help change my thinking.

Apologies Joe, some emergency in my sitch today which I can explain on my thread later.

That is very good Joe. I love things stated positively.

In light of Sandi 37 guidelines which of these actions would it be best to defer or know how to act when your WW is no longer wayward?

I am saying to you that you have alternatives to your previous behaviour and you may not find these appropriate when your WW is infringing your boundaries.

I am saddened that your wife's job should prevent you from having the feedback that you needed on any forum. how shortsighted and definitely not driven by higher power. In which case you have something much more valuable here. That is very fortunate they behaved that way, their loss in my view. I enjoy your questioning and direct views.

V