She feels as though he probably sabotaged. Is very capable of higher level thinking to scheme like this despite claims of conversations going too fast for him. Said that yes, it was rather pointed in how he handled it all. Whether intentionally or not. Strong indicators for BPD. I am haunted by something I posted in another thread, that I took as a good sign, when he said, that he was cautious about moving home because if we had some big blow up one night, that would be the end of our M and it was too important to him. I re-play that in my head and it almost feels like he saw himself doing this. The timing really is impeccable for his settlement. He just wanted sex and a roof over his head, I wonder. He probably had some of the more genuine moments I witnessed of 'trying' but just couldn't convince himself beyond a few days at a time.
She reminded me of other times she saw him manipulate. Feels that the move to my cousins further broadcasts the message "look what a good person I am. Feel sorry for me."
She feels that perhaps all along I was trying to fix abusive patterns I'd experienced growing up, by trying to fix and correct his behaviors.
I kept asking her for answers on how to view this. She kept asking why it was important, who he was, what he was? It seemed obvious to me, I just wanted to have it make some kind of sense. Did it mean anything, did he love me, ever? And the kicker was when she asked me if it meant anything to me - that was the important part. You guys know how that kind of question can strike you to the core; I sat there bawling. She suggested he loved me as much as he might have known how. It felt like a very childlike love - completely accepting of me, adoring, but very one sided and selfish with tantrums and attacks when he didn't get what he wanted.
The important thing she said is what I was going to do with this experience. I had to avoid the urge to ever 'fix' or teach again. Look for a partner that had grown up tendencies, one that would walk a path beside me, and communicate without the deceit and twisting she'd witnessed.
Why he treated me like this. This level of anger/coldness is inhuman, I really feel like that. It was so unprovoked. The day before he went crazy on me, him telling me how lucky he was. And it would make sense if he was controlling and stalker-ish, but instead I feel discarded and like I meant nothing to him in any real sense.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
