Alpha - the future is now!

[alpha99]

Out with W and kids this evening. Went to cinema. Kids enjoyed it. W cordial. Afterwards she reluctantly accepted lift home with kids and we went McDonald's drive thru on the way. W really didn't want me in her new place. Kids insisted I ate with them. Went in, had food, so far, so good. Put the kids to bed. Had a tear in my eye.

Now the fun begins. W asked to have a word about parenting. Explained she doesn't trust me. This leads to long conversation, during which she apologised for having the affair and said it was wrong and she should have just split up with me. Said she hadn't been happy for 18 months or so. Went over some of our R issues, all of which we've covered before but this time in more detail. Again and again her mantra was she wants to be friendly and amicable for the kids. What did I do? Well, I got upset...W kept calling me out on recent threats. I had a minute to compose myself. We continued, covered a lot of ground...but I cried quite a bit throughout. Didn't do.any pleading though. Explained I was sorry for how I'd treated. Too much back and forth to.go.into here. I think it cleared the air somewhat, maybe did a little damage, but overall I wouldn't say so. She's adamant the way she was treated and then her having A means we could never get over this. Says she feels nothing for me. Wants to in the future be able to go on days out with the kids. Couldn't be clearer at this point she doesn't want any R with me. Only when asked about long term future and her plans did she seem to have doubts. Whilst saying we couldn't get back together, she seemed to stop short of saying never...tho most of her speech throughout conversation implied that.

Felt like dirt leaving, feel a bit better now. A friendlier R would be a start but she keeps saying clean breaks etc and shows zero interest in a future together. Seems A is over...so it would seem. W again said it meant nothing, he could have been anyone, is not that kind of person (well, she is), and did it cos of how I treated her. She understood it's a crap sitch and it is hard for her too, and I'm heartbroken. When I said I hadn't shown her love well enough recently for X reasons, she seemed to take that on board. Too little too late was the gist of her reply.

I'm shattered now. I miss my kids and W so much. THIS IS SO HARD. Tho I did better, yet again I struggled to contain emotions. THIS IS SO HARD.

No talk of D, just we are separated. No deep insight to that though...she was clear as day where she stands right now.