Trying to Follow DB & DR

[Miman2]

"I don't really know how I can work on not controlling her without her around."

You do it by recognizing those controlling behaviors in other aspects of your life and to others and you change it that way.

As far as I can tell I don't have any control over anything else in my life, other than myself.

Before I would wake up late, skip breakfast. Get to work whenever, or maybe not even go to work. I can always work from home. Eat whatever for lunch. Get home or still be home, play video games. No working out, it's late and I'm tired. Eat dinner that appeared on the dinning table. Ignore dishes, more games. Play until eyes start closing by themselves. Go to bed, repeat.

Now I wake up early, pray, work out, eat a good breakfast. I feed the cats. I read and listen to music a bit afterwards. I shower, shave, clean the litter box, empty the trash, make myself a sensible lunch and go to work. I work, most days I don't even see my boss. I eat my lunch, I work some more, I go home. I feed the cats. I cook myself a sensible dinner. Do the dishes. I read, listen to music, maybe have Netflix running in the back ground for noise. I pray, I go to bed early. Repeat.

Not much to control but lots of room for GAL. I talk to some friends occasionally as they check in on me but most of them are too busy in their own lives to want to do anything. I went out last week to a board game night and broke down from it. I'm considering going back tomorrow. I'm trying to figure out what other things I can do. I'm looking into dance lessons. I'd love to take drum lessons but the fact that I don't have a set and live in an apt makes that a bit hard to do.

You said you read the books, but you don't sound like it.

What can you do independently that will help your M?
What is your list of goals as detailed in the books?

Yes I've read the books.

I'll summarize the goal setting rules from DR. (pgs 81-85)
1)Think about what you want in your marriage, not what's missing
2)Think action
3)Think small

Or from DB (pgs 109-110)
1)What DO you want?
2)Describe what you want to accomplish rather than what your spouse is doing wrong.
3)Describe goals in behavioral/action terms.

The books outline goals as minor actions in the marriage that will eventually affect major change. Even the examples given are things like "we will hold hands more" (pg 88 DR), "we'll date" (DR pg 84), or "he'll say sorry" (DR pg 87).

Did you want to hear my goals for my M/R? Because that's what the books outline.

You seem to want to me to focus on "I" instead of "us", so that makes me think you want to hear personal goals.

The only mention of those is in DR pg 132 or DB pg 224 and have to do with setting goals with your therapist.

My IC and I haven't really discussed goals other than he'd REALLY like it if I contact my W and maybe try to establish some boundaries as far as money and entering the apartment are concerned.

However, in the middle of the LRT section, far removed from anything "goals" related, pg 129 of DR mentions:

"Focus on making yourself a better person. If you've stopped going to church or synagogue, go back. If you've been wanting to take a new class, go for it. Think about some old friends you haven't contacted in a while. Pick up the phone and connect. Go visit a family member. Watch a sunset. Read poetry. Count leaves. Play golf. Go fishing. Do something that will put you back in touch with you, not just because your spouse might like you more if you do, but it's important to feel centered and love yourself.

So if you're asking what things I would like to do to make myself a better person, I would have to say:
lose more weight
land a really great job (this one is a contract one and time is ticking away)
continue going to church
make more new friends (I literally only talk to my boss in the dept. I work in)
take drum lessons
maybe take dance lessons (that one's WAY out of the norm for me)
read more leisurely books


But none of that REALLY seems to answer.

What can you do independently that will help your M?

That's one of my frustrations with the books.
To me it seems like you're either in column A or column B.
Where A & B correspond to "Not Separated" and "Separated" respectively.
If you're in column A there's a wealth of things you can do independently to improve your M and yourself.
If you're in column B you can only improve yourself and LRT until your spouse is ready to work on the R.


Other than that, I don't know what else to say...