Zelda - reflecting and grieving

[Zelda09]

I feel myself swinging wildly between being completely resolved that this is the best thing - the list of concerning, troubling things grows longer for me. I have years of emails I sent him, after big fights, explaining why swearing, punching, intimidation was so wrong...begging him not to talk about our relationship like it was something to be thrown away when he was frustrated. Since the very beginning! How many times did we come to this precipice where we nearly broke up, or broke up, and he let me lead this back to 'together' - he has been miserable for a long time. As someone that doesn't like effort and confrontation about anything...he'd react as an enraged child, 7x above whatever the 'offense' I'd given.

And then I'm swinging to little thoughts of hope that the text about our taxes he didn't return - does it possibly mean he is stalling for a reason? Could he possibly look at what happened here and change someday, will he ever regret it? That he is staying at my cousins, and looking for a way back into the neighborhood because he is unsure about the D?

Or no.

I am thinking of his 'friendship' with his ex today. How she once told me in a letter that H meant a lot to hear because of the way he'd seen her through so many trials and tribulations in her own life. And I thought of my H's greatest gift to me being that kind support and good ear. And I thought of him telling me she was just kind of crazy, they never loved each other, and he didn't even particularly enjoy or miss talking to her (though her presence on my phone bill was inversely related to the health of our relationship.) How he moved on very quickly once they were done...and this will all happen to me. He may someday try to 'be there for me' as he indicated he wanted while we were separated. But largely, my value to him will be as a distraction, where he can suck some idea of self-esteem out of me if I let him.

What a messy head I have. I can't believe I am trying to live in the future and mind-reading what an un-returned text could possibly mean. There's a part of my heart that is hoping he gives a damn and all evidence points to the contrary. He's wanted to be done with this for a while.