Baby steps, patience and uncertainty

[labug]

Hope you found it helpful, Heart.

Journaling:

The more you learn, the more you learn. I can remember early in my journey of finding me, how overwhelming it all seemed. There was so much I needed to do. In those days uncovering one issue and working on it usually resulted in finding another. I really didn't see how I could do it.

But I hung on, trusting my IC when she said it was doable. Celebrating the little successes (if there really are "little" successes) and letting the knowledge I gained become a part of me, a new foundation for the successrs to come.

It is not a linear journey and I learned to be OK with that. It was difficult for me because I had the mistaken belief that mistakes are failures, and anything less than success is unacceptable.

I missed out on learning that everyone makes mistakes and that mistakes are important to changing, growing. If we never make mistakes we're never trying anything new, we're stagnant.

And that's where I was, stagnant, unhappy, filled with fear and blaming it all on someone else.

What I've recently realized is how much of me I held back due to being afraid of rejection. I've lived with the belief that no one could really love me, (refer to paragraphs above, mistakes=failures=not lovable) so I hid me and created the hardened, tough, witty, wise-cracking, sarcastic, angry exterior, guarding my vulnerability. Forgoing happiness for fear of pain.

I was many different people back then, not pathologically but rather I waited for signals from others on how to respond to them or a situation. If they seemed happy, I could act happy and tried to do more of whatever created the happiness. If they seemed angry, I was sure it was due to me and would try to figure out what I could do to get them happy.

I must have thought I had magic powers and was responsible for those with whom I had contact.

I hadn't yet learned that others are responsible for their feelings just as I'm responsible for mine.

If someone's words or actions evoke a strong response from me, I need to look closer cause they're just shining a light on something that I'm already feeling or opening an old wound that I need to heal.

This brings me to honesty, openness, vulnerability. I needed to learn to be honest about my emotions both with myself and those I love. I don't let things fester. If I'm angry, I talk about that and try to do it in a loving, compassionate way.

When I'm sad, I express that, grieve, and with time, move on.

The biggest change for me has been expressing happiness. If I'm happy, I work to show that. I was a "waiting for the other shoe to drop" person. If I was too happy, I held it back cause that meant the universe might repay me with a real sadness.

I've learned that there is no giant scorekeeper in the sky keeping track of rights and wrongs and meting out reward or punishment. That scorekeeper was just a thought in my mind, like many other thoughts that keep us stuck in our unhappy stagnant place.

It's a risk to be vulnerable because we might be hurt when we open ourselves up. And we wonder "what does it mean about me when I allow my vulnerability and someone rejects me?"
After getting clarification from the person (sometimes what we hear is not what the speaker intended), maybe it's a signal that that person isn't right for your life no matter what the R is.

So I've been walking on the wild-side of vulnerability. Saying what I mean, meaning what I say. Being honest with my emotions, allowing room and respect for my anger as well as my happiness.

I have to learn to be honest and compassionate with myself before I can offer that to others.

I stop myself from taking on the emotions of others and trying to help them feel better.

We're all only responsible for this one life we've been given.