Today and yesterday I have been consumed with trying to figure out who I married. The tears and grief started as I said to a friend, "I feel like I could never trust my judgement again."
I can't post in the surviving the big D - though it is a welcome certainty, the fat lady hasn't sung yet. Certainly not piecing anymore. Certainly not a turn around.
After our first year of marriage, his 2nd year of the accident, my H became increasingly tempermental and petulant. July last year, I started my first journal entry knowing something was deeply wrong, "I feel like I'm being treated with more animosity and disrespect than I deserve."
Reading DB, after a big blow up and separation that started with him alternately crying about "we're f'ed aren't we?" and then going cold and angry...I started trying to clean up my side of the street. I WAS critical, angry, intolerant, unsympathetic. I DID throw my feelings at him. I COULD do something about all that!
I won him over. Not my pursuing so much as validating, becoming soft, trying to be Rosenberg's 'giraffe,' the woman only a fool would leave. He came home for a night, was still talking about all the work and impossibility of the situation and the other people he wanted to date...and then within a week his ring was back on and he swore up and down that he was IN this, he was EXCITED to build our future, to finally be able to provide for us. He tried. He really did sometimes. He said ILU, and I felt it all.
He also threatened to leave me again when he thought a conversation needed to turn into a fight. I'd ask reasonable questions or imply there were expectations of him, and I'd be told I really needed to keep seeing my counselor. As much as he tried to be there for my feelings, he also made me feel like an idiot, and like there was something wrong with me. But there was so much hope because overall, I felt like we were speaking a new language and we were having some very fair talks, too. He cried one night telling me about the husband he wanted to be for me. There were so many sweet, compassionate moments.
One night last week, after two months of this, I asked him about an errand he didn't do (it was important, time sensitive, and it landed back on me.) I had good intentions, I started with the mindset that he was doing the best he could with the PTSD, depression, etc. But he lied about what he said, backpedaled, started making me feel like I was just being impossible, and I snapped at him. He stood up and used the back of his arm to send two heavy bowls my way. One landed 15' away and the other shattered at my feet. He stormed off into our bedroom. I think I wanted to attribute it to just big-body movement anger. I followed him after a few minutes and told him to go clean up his mess. I asked him if he meant to throw them at me? And I got called a miserable human being - "leave me alone" - "Fine, H, but you need to clean that up."
He started to. Pushed a broom around and then found me in the kitchen and screamed about whether I was going to help him or not. I was in full on B mode. "No, why would I? That's your violence, you fix it." He ripped my phone out of my hands, threw it hard enough that it popped out of a lifeproof case (apparently there are certain events that aren't so lifeproof), and it bent - this is an iPhone...I'm still astounded thinking of the force, but my H is a huge guy. He stood over me screaming about how I don't care about him, how I need to help him, how I need to get away from him, but his body was blocking me and his fists were on either side of my head. When he finally stepped back, I grabbed my things and headed out the door. I didn't think he saw me, but then it was slammed into my body. I was mostly out of the way, but what difference is that?
When I returned the next night, he treated me with such icy silence. I asked if he wanted to talk and he acted like he was hurt and could not - "Another time." He didn't speak to me for two days and then took himself out partying on my debit card. This man who did not work, didn't help me, struggling with all of his 'issues.'
I was furious. My roommate helped me confront him. When I asked what he was going to do about this, he said very calmly, "That's not the real question. The real question is what are you going to do about it?" I told him I wouldn't live this way, and I needed to know if he would go to the counseling and look at himself, and do the work to ensure this never happened again.
And it still amazes me. The apathy, after all of what I believed was sincere effort..."W, our relationship has never been good on boundaries. You want me to change, and that takes years." Basically, conversation over. I asked him if I was hearing him right, that he didn't have any interest in working on this, and did he find it agreeable to part ways? "I think...that's the only thing we can do at this point."
Wasn't I worth more than this? I mean I was happy to agree to a D in light of everything.
But I am thinking of him the next two days with the "well, it doesn't matter now, does it?" speech - thinking of him trying to give me a gift he'd ordered and ignoring my questions about him leaving...thinking about the tears he let me see and the statements about "you are the one who doesn't want me here"...was I too harsh, too final in my responses? I didn't think so at the time. But I know if I had been softer and pursued him (as I think he was asking me to), this might have not been the end. My thinking at the time was that if he gave a damn, any damn at all, the ball was in his court to prove it. But when I said, "No, it doesn't matter" ; "No, these are your choices, you are the one who doesn't want to be in this R." maybe I slammed a door I should have left cracked?
I just don't see how I could have any dignity left if I had. I am worth more than this. But this is perhaps the bargaining stage in my grief.
This morning I ran into H. I was having a patio breakfast with some friends and watched him walking up the street to the cafe. I saw him a long time before he saw me. He greeted his people on the patio, and then saw me. We just stared at each other for about 15 seconds. He looked perplexed and then turned and walked down the street again. My whole body was in flight or fight. Lost my appetite completely.
My choices -
1. Am I to view that H is a sociopath? Used me all along, played on my sympathy to get his ends met so that he could leave me once and for all? He didn't have a problem driving again, suddenly, after this went down. Here's a quote I love - "if the devil were real, I'm sure he'd want us to feel real sorry for him." There were so many incidents of my H trying to paint himself as an invalid that couldn't do for himself over the years, and it got worse. The new theory is that he's gone to my family for a place to stay because the bridges he doesn't want to keep are the ones worth burning right away.
2. Do I see him as the child who never grew into a man? Even he agreed he missed some developmental phases in not having parents that interacted with him. Serious holes in his character, no perseverence or sense of boundaries, was incredibly 'open' and had a utopia vision where everyone was always there for everyone else, I can't describe it - very childlike. As my best friend said, there are parts of H everyone loves - and he believes he is not a sociopath, rather a man who deeply wants to be a better version of himself, and the divide is huge. And the emotional inner struggles are intense. He loved nothing more than baking cookies for people.
3. Do I see him as the gentle, loving person I thought I married? Who just fell out of love with me and maybe subconsciously pushed me to a point he knew I couldn't save? All the comments about how maybe we should see other people. Our first fight big when he came home, about two and half weeks ago - he said, "I don't think this is good for us, but you won't even hear of us seeing other people." How was it he was so destructive and so passionate about being 'all in' here at the same time, apathy to this? He's had days, now. 7 of them. I keep thinking if I was him, the guilt would be immense.
I just can't make it all make sense. Who was this person? When he was out of state those weeks, I felt there was some respect, dignity, some thread of the fact that we had loved each other. None here that I can see. But he's texting my neighbor that he's glad she's my friend and is there for me.
Please someone help me see the forest for all these trees.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
I just re-read through a bunch of the earlier emails at the start of our relationship, first few years.
It's so much more simple. He's not a sociopath. He's just not equipped himself with the tools to handle things well or behave well, despite all his best intentions. Even in the first year of being ridiculously in love, he felt like I wasn't happy with him. It was true. He did try and he did try to love me.
By the time that fight happened, he just didn't care to try anymore. That's all there is to it. It's ok, I am not going to feel like it was my fault or that this could have ended any other way. Or that if I could have let it slide, we would have had any less rollercoaster or fights, or he would have used any other tactics in trying to control.
I think he did the best he could to love me well. Just didn't have the skills, lost in emotional immaturity and laziness. I want to be at peace over it and imagine that if I was softer and gentler in my approaches, that he still would have found a way to elude responsibility.
When does it not hurt anymore?
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Abusers aren't all sociopaths, just lost angry souls sometimes with poor parenting who have never learned. Sadly they get burdened with behaviours which are hard to change but not impossible.
You use the word "try" and this is a very difficult word.
I can say this Z, you did not cause it, you can not control it, and you can not cure it.
H will need to do this for himself, the help is there if he wants it.
((((((Z))))))))
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 03/23/1508:32 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Abusive people are acting out of fear: losing control. All of that, to me, comes from very broken childhoods. It will take years and years of therapy to break those unhealthy patterns. The will has to be there....without the will, there's nothing.
Thanks, all. I realize now that H felt in many ways I was not a good friend to him. I wasn't. I would have had to genuinely commiserate and validate him at a level I just couldn't.
I don't know that he was an abuser set in controlling power struggles and gratification from these actions. I think he used abusive behavior in defense of himself when he felt threatened.
There was a line in an email two years ago where he stated he wanted to throw it all away because he couldn't wrap his head around it. How he felt like he was 3 years old and couldn't find his way out of a paper bag and would never be good enough for me.
Is it wrong of me to imagine that maybe he will be happier with a girl at his education, intelligence and work ethic levels? Someone that doesn't inspire him to always be on guard...
I know now the kind of person I must choose in my next life. Giraffe ears are heavy things to wear if the respect for values and thoughts isn't genuine. I need someone who can move at my speed, with the complexity of life and happily handle its stresses.
My best friend told me last night that H was chronically lazy. That when something became hard, he gave up. Our relationship was more effort than he felt was healthy for him. It's that simple. If the abuse hadn't been there and I was still DB, I wonder if at this point - I'd still be done. Because what is the point of being the only one trying? A few times I thought I was changing the dance and inspiring H. But a girl gets tired of leading all the time.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Thank you for posting on my thread. if you feel that you can add to my long list feel free to quote and add.
At some stage when you are stronger, let's chat about the store and childhood issues you mentioned, there are a couple of things that I noted but did not focus on there and I think I should have done. My apologies for that.
Let H come round in his own time. This is so difficult Z, babies tantruming at their ages. So tough too on us. I am struggling to find the tools to deal with it all.
I will collect you in the little red car and we can drive away for miles and miles, chatting, laughing and going dancing GAL.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I feel myself swinging wildly between being completely resolved that this is the best thing - the list of concerning, troubling things grows longer for me. I have years of emails I sent him, after big fights, explaining why swearing, punching, intimidation was so wrong...begging him not to talk about our relationship like it was something to be thrown away when he was frustrated. Since the very beginning! How many times did we come to this precipice where we nearly broke up, or broke up, and he let me lead this back to 'together' - he has been miserable for a long time. As someone that doesn't like effort and confrontation about anything...he'd react as an enraged child, 7x above whatever the 'offense' I'd given.
And then I'm swinging to little thoughts of hope that the text about our taxes he didn't return - does it possibly mean he is stalling for a reason? Could he possibly look at what happened here and change someday, will he ever regret it? That he is staying at my cousins, and looking for a way back into the neighborhood because he is unsure about the D?
Or no.
I am thinking of his 'friendship' with his ex today. How she once told me in a letter that H meant a lot to hear because of the way he'd seen her through so many trials and tribulations in her own life. And I thought of my H's greatest gift to me being that kind support and good ear. And I thought of him telling me she was just kind of crazy, they never loved each other, and he didn't even particularly enjoy or miss talking to her (though her presence on my phone bill was inversely related to the health of our relationship.) How he moved on very quickly once they were done...and this will all happen to me. He may someday try to 'be there for me' as he indicated he wanted while we were separated. But largely, my value to him will be as a distraction, where he can suck some idea of self-esteem out of me if I let him.
What a messy head I have. I can't believe I am trying to live in the future and mind-reading what an un-returned text could possibly mean. There's a part of my heart that is hoping he gives a damn and all evidence points to the contrary. He's wanted to be done with this for a while.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
