I would like to address something that could possibly be unclear for some newcomers who have a WW. Even though I can't always explain the complexity of a woman......much less a WW, I think it helps, maybe, for the LBH to understand the reasoning behind a couple of avice tips we give on the board.
One tip is telling the LBH that he should not leave the master bedroom, and if she has a problem with it.....she should be the one to move out of the bedroom, and also the marital home. Personally, I believe there can exceptions to the house, but I'll, get to it momentarily.
The H needs to remember he is not dealing with the woman he has known as his lifelong partner. He is dealing with her wayward mindset. Although he may be limited, he can at least try to enforce a few things in the name of "respect". She no longer respects him as a man, as her H, as the father of her children........not to mention the leader, provider, protector, and I personally believe as head of the home. Not saying that any of those roles give him rights to mistreat or abuse it any way.
The WW will constantly test the H with her disrespect. She actually expects him to be the one to leave the BR, b/c after all, he's the rugged man, who can sleep the ground and allow her feminine lsoft body the luxuries of their comfy bed. Isn't that what's a gentleman should do? Let me say this nicely. He is a sucker if he falls for that one! His decision should not be based on the fact she is the woman and that is what men are suppose to do.....take the harder and give her the nicer. Instead, he should think of the stronger message he will be giving her if he sticks his tail between his legs and says, "Yes dear, anything you say, dear" and takes his pillow to find a spot to lay down.
To me, the MBR is symbolic of their private union. That is the place they share their most intimate part of their M. Now she has brought another person into the M and she is saying she doesn't feel comfortable with you in the BR? She is the one who has defiled it. She broke her vows of "to thee and thee only" and wants to kick you out? Granted, some women have a softer approach, but I promise it all comes from the same source.....disrespect. She crowns herself with entitlement. Furthermore, if allowed, she will completely turn everything around to make herself appear justified, while making you appear to be the one responsible for this mess anyway.
If there are children in the home, it is even more important that the man establishes his "authority" (go easy on this word) and place of respect in the M, the family, and the home. This may goes against the grain for some folks who read this, and I hope my lack of word skills will not be taken to exceed the meaning I want you to see. If the man succumbs to his W's outward show of disrespect, he opens the floodgates for more serious problems. For him to measly accept her terms, in the name of keeping the peace.......or thinking he's preventing worse scenarios, is really giving out a strong message that it is fine to wipe manure on him b/c he has little value in the M, the family, and/or the home. He is stripped from his rank as leader and is demoted to a much lesser position, comparable in some cases to that of a servant. If you think I'm stretching it, then you have been around here long enough.
Maybe you think I am overdoing this a bit, but not really b/c the lack of her respect and the H's failure to get her respect, will ultimately leave the MR in ruins. This is true even when there is no issue of affairs, etc. Even if they stay together. If young men could just realize how the MR balances on respect. She has to have it in order to love him.
Remaining in the MBR is symbolic to comanding outward respect. (If this had been a guy writing, he could have summed the whole thing up in that one sentence.)
The same principle applys to who moves out of the home. Only, it gets more technical, I think. Back in my father's generation, it was mostly the man. That's just what men did......and maybe b/c the men were more likely to cheat, according to what we've read. Today, we live in a different society and just by looking at the majority of the threads that come and go here, the tables have dramatically turned. At least that's the way it appears to me. Ugh, I could get out on a whole other topic.
Anyway, as I told 3kids on his thread today, there are no die-hard BD rules about some of these actions. He wondered if he should help move out his WW's things left behind in the marital home that has been recently sold. They have been physically separated for a while now, with her living in a different house. His objective is to clear the house before new owners take procession. He asked what to do about helping her move these things b/c of the advice not to help the WW move out.
Each person has to look at the rationale and decide the best option to take. There will usually be something to crop up eventually in the stitch that could get the LBH completely off track. For example, the issue of who leaves the marital home. What is the right thing for the man to do and what is best for his children at that time? Does the house belong to him? If it is in her name only, or her family, it limits what he can do. What are the legal and/or the financial consequences of him moving out, etc. I sure don't have all the answers. I don't have the legal knowledge nor the personal experience in those areas. I just encourage everyone who may be faced with this matter of who leaves the home, to get legal advice before acting out of emotions......or advice from on the board.
These two tips that are often passed around may need the explanation that it is never meant to be vindictive. In fact, none of the advice should have vindictive purposes.
Sorry, I have rambled on and on.......once again.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
