Zelda - reflecting and grieving

[Zelda09]

Thanks, all. I realize now that H felt in many ways I was not a good friend to him. I wasn't. I would have had to genuinely commiserate and validate him at a level I just couldn't.

I don't know that he was an abuser set in controlling power struggles and gratification from these actions. I think he used abusive behavior in defense of himself when he felt threatened.

There was a line in an email two years ago where he stated he wanted to throw it all away because he couldn't wrap his head around it. How he felt like he was 3 years old and couldn't find his way out of a paper bag and would never be good enough for me.

Is it wrong of me to imagine that maybe he will be happier with a girl at his education, intelligence and work ethic levels? Someone that doesn't inspire him to always be on guard...

I know now the kind of person I must choose in my next life. Giraffe ears are heavy things to wear if the respect for values and thoughts isn't genuine. I need someone who can move at my speed, with the complexity of life and happily handle its stresses.

My best friend told me last night that H was chronically lazy. That when something became hard, he gave up. Our relationship was more effort than he felt was healthy for him. It's that simple. If the abuse hadn't been there and I was still DB, I wonder if at this point - I'd still be done. Because what is the point of being the only one trying? A few times I thought I was changing the dance and inspiring H. But a girl gets tired of leading all the time.