I often forget that, especially because even through all of this junk, I feel that I'll be okay. I think I'm just grieving the loss of the life that I thought I had planned. Even if I had some idea of ANY struggles in my M, I would have bent over backwards to fix them. A part of me knows that W knows that and that's why she 'covered' it up (she actually admitted this the other week, she saw my changes..and acted like she cared)
So last night for the first time, I hit all out rage in my heart for W. I just hate what she is doing right now. I hate that she seems miserable but still doesn't want to admit she made a mistake. I hate what she's done to the kids. I hate what she's done to her friends.
I hate what she's done to me. She had me so emotionally attached over the last week or so with me back thinking 'I' was the reason she left. Yesterday, I found out that she went on vacation a couple weeks back with OM and friends for his Birthday. So much for that being over, she's still in pursuit and this persona of her being a person hurt and shunned by me was just an act. She had both me and MC thinking she was actually starting to talk about R. I guess I should have seen she hasn't done any work on herself at all, but I was praying and hoping that what I was seeing was her 'rock bottom' and she was starting to get out of her fog. Guess not.
You're right, I need to focus on MCS. I feel like everything is going okay with the exception of things directly related to the sitch. I miss my kids when they're not here, I'm lonely and bored at home, I've never been a casual person that goes out, but I guess I need to start.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
