hold on! - 8

[u-turn]

As far as a lawyer goes - I thought this was something that I could handle on my own too. You know, I have done so well with everything else so far.

I am changing that naive mentality too.

But part of me is in the "I don't care. take everything from me and let me move on" state of mind.

Question about OMW: this has been a sore spot for me for the entire time. What is my responsibility? would you want to know if you didn't? would you want to find out from me? Would telling her make me look like a punitive fool? How do I even begin to tell someone about this? (I know their address, home phone number). Show up with proof, ask her if she wants to know? Will OMW think I am to blame for the demise of her family? What if she flips out (which is probably likely)? or worse, what if she doesn't think it is a big deal (I can't imagine that this would happen)?

I am bothered by telling her and not her. I have nothing to gain by telling her.

My W knows this all bothers me too.

[Starsky309]

Question about OMW: this has been a sore spot for me for the entire time. What is my responsibility? would you want to know if you didn't? would you want to find out from me? Would telling her make me look like a punitive fool? How do I even begin to tell someone about this? (I know their address, home phone number). Show up with proof, ask her if she wants to know? Will OMW think I am to blame for the demise of her family? What if she flips out (which is probably likely)? or worse, what if she doesn't think it is a big deal (I can't imagine that this would happen)?

u-t, I can already tell by the way you have framed all of these questions (and even answered some of them) that your mind is already made up here, so I won't try to convince you otherwise. If it were me, I would definitely want to know.


Starsky

[u-turn]

I would too.
I waited. I didn't want to do more damage to my M. I didn't want this to be the reason for the end (I made a stupid promise to my W early in my situation - which I honored thinking I was taking the high road - more manipulation). So I think I need to release this to her. But don't know how.

[Train]

u,

Sometimes strategy is important. Sometimes being a decent human being trumps "strategy."

When my H was cheating, I chose (after knowing about the A for a few weeks) to approach OWH - at his home - with proof at a time when I knew OW was on an overnight "date" with my H. I didn't do it for a result - good or bad. I honestly didn't care what happened with my M at that time and was undecided if I wanted it anymore. Personally, I felt it was my duty - my obligation - as a decent human being to tell the poor man that his W was having unprotected sex with another man. I would have wanted to know.

[skr4luv]

U-turn, I feel like i'm the same situation.
I'm sorry it turned out this way.

You mentioned that, if you're going to leave the house,
everyone will think you have abandonded the kids.

Can you not tell your kids and everyone else the truth
about the A so they will understand why you will leave?

[u-turn]

I know I am still focusing on her - but....

She claims she is feeling like she is of no value at home to the kids and me. She is not needed.

She spent the evening sobbing.

She said she was thinking of going away from everyone forever. Killing herself.

This scares me.

I told her she is still the kids mother and they need her.

She wants to talk about this, get out of here, still go away to Florida.

I don't have much time to write right now, but will update later.

Thanks to all who are keeping up with my mess.

[HeavyD]

I will be praying for you and your wife and your family. I am so very sorry you are in this mess.

I hope this all works out.

[Starsky309]

U-turn, if she has threatened suicide, you need to call 9-1-1. Immediately.

Not even a question.

[u-turn]

I don't believe she was threatening - more telling me she thought about it. I don't know how to continue this. It's all manipulation - when I push back she out does me with things like this. (gaslighting?)

The game keeps changing - suicide now. It made me stop, pull back. I told her things that I shouldn't (I've often thought about suicide - I know it just gives my pain to those that I love so I know to look for other options).

It twists me. I need to get back on track because I think she just wants to play happy family - while OM is out of town with his family. She keeps manipulating the situation.

Should I call her out on all of the lies I believe she is telling or does it even matter?

sorry - short post again - I really have a lot to say but not a lot of time.

Thanks!!!!

[u-turn]

So as I get my bearings again (maybe) and come home to a mailbox full of attorney letters (for Ws dui arrest), I am trying to formulate tonight's conversation.

I see so many things that say that she is lying about OM and they are still together, still contacting each other - she will likely keep denying that and make me seem like I am paranoid and crazy. I think that she thinks that I believe her BS. I do not have hard proof, just all of the stories that she is telling me not making sense, obvious lies, I've seen timed receipts from locations that couldn't be possible if her stories were true.

We talked about suicide not being an answer to anything. Made some weird agreement about this this morning. I don't know what to think of this, but I did over-share with her my own thoughts of suicide in the past (I didn't tell her of the frequency of this).

Later I texted her an apology for telling her this and she said she was glad I did.

I texted her that I want to talk with her tonight if we get the opportunity. and she responded with:
"ok"
"that doesn't sound good"
"texts like that are so ominous"

I haven't responded to her because 1-didn't want to, and 2-was much too busy, and 3-not an appropriate conversation to have over text.

Am I wrong to call her out on what I see? I have not changed my opinion of me being done with this, but I believe in her mind she thinks we are on the mend (swept away again). Will this push her too much? I look at her life right now and see nothing but a mess - how does she not see that?

I see her wanting to make it one more week and go to florida. I don't think that would be good for me. I am thinking, if she brings this up again, that I will tell her to go with the kids. Without me. I will not make any excuses to the kids about me having too much work.

This would be a painful trip for me - bad memories from last year's trip - A discovered.
It would be painful for the kids if I don't go.
It will let people know that we are having troubles - which I am ok with.
But I don't think I am taking this stance to make a point. I just don't think we can take a happy family trip.
We are not a happy family - I should not vacation with my W who is having an A.

I think that I am going to ask her to let me see her phone right now, that is how I can begin believing her. If I give her warning of this she will quickly delete everything. She will refuse I'm sure.