Ok, so, good on you for how you handled that. I know you could have run away with all of it.
I hope you know by now that I have your back. So, here are my thoughts.
Could she have realized stuff? Yep. Absolutely. Could it also include being hurt by him? Yea. It didnt turn out the way she thought it would. There will be some withdrawal she needs to deal with from him.
I dont want you to be blindsided again. Sometimes this happens when an affair ends and divorce is starting. They get scared and confused.
So, you are exactly right in taking it slowly and having your guard up.
Be careful with regard to your son. You dont want him getting his hopes up and then the rug is pulled out from under him.
I know that these are things you have wanted to hear, but, please keep your wits about you.
Im not so sure I would push her on the confession thing, Luke. That has to be something she wants to do.
Thats exactly it ... I mean sure she said everything I wanted to hear in a way .. but also said things that made my ears pop up.
When she brought S out and promised him, it felt like she was talking to me but making it seem she was talking to him. That promise she made him is something else she will have to deal with if she breaks it, not so sure my little 8 year old bought it honestly. All I could think in my head was ...wow .. ok .. believe nothing of what they say and only 50% of what they do. Kept me from jumping at it ... this happened similarly this time last year after her STD testing, and I jumped at the chance to have my W and M back .. disaster followed. Makes me wonder why there was not a brighter neon sign pointing me to this forum all that time.
So yeah I am actually still good, in a place of strength, still focused on me and S. I understand your concern for the confession thing, but for me that was a seed, I told her I was the last person that should ever preach to someone but made sure she knew it was only a suggestion that I felt would help her ... regardless of our M, .... something that if she actually did it I can trust that more than words at this point, because very little that she said I feel I can trust, ... this MLC has a way of making the LBS a touch cynical after some time.
Cali - so happy to read what happened! You've done a lot of hard work over the past year and a half. You've come so far, and maybe, just maybe, this whole DB thing is working its magic. Hoping for the best for you, Cali. You deserve it.
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
You handled this so very well -- and I am so happy to hear this for you. Of course, based on what I've read here, if this is sincere then there is still a long road ahead for all of you. But you have made a lot of progress and I am certain you have the strength, insight, and knowledge you need to make the right decisions and take the appropriate actions going forward.
I will continue to keep you, your son, and your wife in my prayers -- I hope this is the start of a new beginning for all of you that leads to a much healthier and happier life for all involved no matter what the final outcome may be.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Ur is right, it's a long road. Plenty can happen along the way. The one thing that is true, is that if she means it, she'll make you believe it. You can decide then what you're going to do. The hardest part is this part, but you'll see that soon enough
Keep your son in mind as the next days unfold. You'll be glad you did.
If she is honestly going to try and make you see how sorry she is, she'll have a long road. Earning trust where you broke it is no easy feat. Few can make that journey. It's a maturing process. And she'll have to deal with your changes and your distrust and your ability and willingness to make it possible for her to have a place in your life.
It's nice she gave the apology. Few get a meaningful apology for any reason. A very helpful thing regardless of the future. And no matter what happens, it's helpful for her on her journey as well as yours.
Take your time, amigo. No rush.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Oh gee, Cali! That's a lot to digest. However, as expected I think you were smoother than a fresh jar of Skippy. You handled that fabulously.
Hang in there!And AJ is spot on-no rush. Take your time. I am cheering for you:)
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 03/24/1512:37 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Thank you everyone ... and yeah was a busy 'big talk' kind of weekend. That being said I am still not really buying it, still going on about my life as I have because I know I can not jump in until I SEE some things with her. Yesterday was a typical work day .. no real interaction with W until after I picked S up and she lets me know she forgot she had a meeting this morning and needed me to take S to school. Told me she would call later as she was working late. I instantly realized as detached as I thought I was I had red flag syndrome thinking ... ok is she lying? Truth? .. admitedly spun a bit but quickly stopped myself.
S called, she sounded sad again on the phone, but as usual I jumped in the shower. She called after S was out and the conversation was very mellow, very guarded. She called me out on being guarded I agreed ... we started to open up a bit and she suggested we try MC. Trigger for me as last time we 'tried' that she was full on with OM, so I told her I would like to do that once she proves OM is gone. And monster arrived, I took the spew but held my ground, several times I told her she can do as she wishes just as she has but I would not budge on this even if it meant our M was over I even asked her to put herself in my spot and she agreed. During this I realized she is not ready to make it right .. the spew that followed was old stuff, like she is looking for a reason we will not work... more important I realized I do not want to be with someone always looking for the upper hand, or looking for the door.
Dropped off S this morning and she hugged me, told me she was PMSing ... seems my tracker is a bit off ... not sure if this has anything to do with last weekends plea for our marriage from her ... again like all things time will tell.
You sound stronger than ever and it shows with your firmness in standing on the transparency thing with W. Stick to your guns and you'll be fine. Nice work.
Last night with the spew, a few things that she said ... smh type things was she was threatening to remove my last name and go with her maiden name... I think she was attempting to push my buttons to see if I would lose my temper, no such luck. Then she went off on some other things like me trusting her (Spinning from my stance on the NC with OM, and how she would need to prove that to me) I also made a remark about how over the weekend she was humble and appeared to want to do anything to make me realize she was owning her mistakes, but once the work week started I did'nt hear a peep out of her .... looking back this was pursuing and really not something I should have said, I was just trying to make a point is all .. and failed with the MLC monster in full effect ... lessons still to learn
Anyways today W TM at lunch, asking how my day was, shared this new job opportunity she is thinking of going after. Asking what I thought, then she asked if I would support her in doing this ... told me her concerns, I reassured her and gave her advice ... was like we were M again .. was strange in a way. I told her no harm in interviewing and getting a feel for the place, then discussing it later. She brought up the large loan she is on the hook for ... just things she has not shared in some time.
After our TM exchange she thanked me with the emoji face after ... and said Shannon keeps emailing her what should she say (Shannon is the mediator) I replied that she should just let her know we are going to work on our marriage and hope to not need her services. Left it at that.
Still have my eyes and ears open but there is definately some changes with W over the past month ... I do know after last night there is a TON of work to get through .. baby steps, I need to be patient here and just stay level and focused.
