For the Newcomer LBH who has a wayward wife Part 2

[sandi2]

Zeus, I don't think I answered your question about me seeming to struggle with what I knew was right and what what I was feeling. This is absolutely true! But during the first part, when the fog was at it's worst, most of what I knew was right took a back seat to what I wanted to feel. And of course, like all WW's, I would try to justify my reasons.

I had been the "good" girl growing up. I had been the respecful daughter and the proper Christian W. But then I ventured into this new realm, at least for me it was new. I had never gone through that part of growing up where I sowed wild seeds, like some people may experience. I am not saying it is a necessary part of transitioning into adulthood, I'm just saying that I lived the way I was expected.......and according to my religious beliefs. The one thing I protected and clung to was my clean reputation and respect of others in the Chrisian community. Sounds pretty ironic, doesn't it? I think that is why losing that place in the eyes of my adult children was what it took to finally shake me to the core and lift that bit of fog.

I had continued to attend church during the entire span of my wayward actions. Undoubtly the spiritual was conflicted with the physical. But even taking the religious or spiritual part away from all of this, anyone who believes in a strict moral code in daily living surely feels conflicted when they violate that code. Maybe not as deeply as when it is a spiritual/religious matter......IDK. You might compare it to how one views their wedding vows. Like Starsky talks about core values, and how we base decisions on those values. Do we act based only on what we know to be "right"? If so, then any emotions that run contrary must not be allowed to rule our decisions. Sounds all rather cold and technically, doesn't it? But it was how I was taught to deal with temptations that could ruin a person's life. Up until 2006, it worked well for me.......at least in controlling my outward behavior. For many, many years my heart was turning wayward. I allowed my feelings to get behind the steering wheel.

Humans are emotional creatures, especially when we react to pain. I have watched people who have had to live in constant, agonizing pain. It can do terrible things to change that person. But this is getting a little away from answering your question.

you seemed to understand it was a fog or an addiction.

You know, even my H told me it was an addiction, but I did not want to hear anything from him. Partly b/c I wanted to believe the fantasy, which I managed to do for quite a while. It was when I came to the board and it was explained about the PEA, etc., that I began seeing it for what it really was.

I did recognize I needed guidance. I knew I was on the edge of making a life-changing decision, and basically that was my reason for reaching out. I had considered talking to someone in person, but I wasn't ready for my "secret" to get out, and living in a small town where we know almost everyone....i was still trying to shield my reputation Until I began getting this information, I was just as confused about my feelings, and being just as selfish as any other WW. Plus, I quickly learned that accepting the information as truth was the easy part. My willingness to do what needed to be done, was altogether a different matter. It had a battle with my rebellious heart, let me tell ya!