Maybell XXXII

[Underdog]

Claire, goodness, you are such a good egg. I had a few women here (who are still people I call friends IRL) who were my change compadres. It was such a worthwhile group effort that it would have been difficult not to choose growth and discomfort through it all.

RIGHT NOW, I still feel the same response to him that I always felt. Meaning, that I feel the same connection to him that I felt when I very first knew him. That he and I are... I don't know... sympatico? I don't know. But I feel a physical sensation of belonging together.

So are you saying you have 2 speeds? Off and on? All or nothing? My personal choice is to connect to the other person (we are not just talking sexual partners or former spouses) where they are, within my healthy boundaries as well. This belonging together is a something that you've stuck in this equation. Why? You belong together. You hate what he's done and he disgusts you. You still want to connect. Yet you want to kill him and can't even ask about Walking Dead? Woman, this is completely nuts.

Now I'm trying to really let go of him. But when I SEE him, I want to say casual connecting things like "Hey, did you see Walking Dead this week?" But I DON'T want to say that -- because what's happened between us was so destructive and I don't want to gloss over it and I know that's how he'd take it.

Good grief, MB. This is a pure ego instinct. You'd be asking him about a TV show, for crying out loud! Not a meaningful sexual experience or a sharing of raw emotion. This is small talk you'd have with an acquaintance at your D11's school who you knew watched the show.

So I overstate the coldness just to keep myself from reaching out to him again and making a fool of myself some more.

EGO, EGO, EGO. Somewhere between spilling your guts all over the floor and outright refusal of any small talk is a blissful medium, MB. It's ok to talk about Walking Dead. It's okay to judge Tiger Mom's sh!tty cupcakes at the science fair. It's okay to discuss how gas prices have been bipolar. It's okay to complain about the remodeling at the grocery store. It's okay. IT'S OKAY! It's okay to connect as 2 human beings who converse. I realize that your R with him is a work in process. I also realize that you're butt hurt that he rejected you and pulled the trigger on your marriage, dishonorably as he did that. But I hate to tell you that the milk spilled on the floor and it's not going back in that glass.

In your case, someone cleaned up the mess and you're still staring at it saying, "I can't believe you spilled the milk!" This is the insanity I had to point out. It doesn't mean it wasn't an colossal mess. It means that you do your level best to live right now. Quit looking in that rear mirror.

If you did that, and he walked through the door to pick up or drop off the kids and you had those blinders on, could you say, "What did you think about Walking Dead this week?" He'd tell you. Or not. Then you could say, "Well, thanks, but it's time to get the kids started on homework/chores/whatever. See you Wednesday." Tell me what kind of foolish that would make you for connecting in such a fashion?

He doesn't want the marriage back. He just wants us to be friends. Because I'm his best friend but he wants passion. I can't live with that. At least, not for a long time. Not till my life has been lived for a while without him and all the detritus of this destruction has been left behind.

Ok, so you don't want this. At least not right now. So don't be his best friend. Be the kind of person who can have a conversation with another parent. He just happens to be the parent of your kids, but you don't have to make it that personal even. Neither one of you is ready to be friends the way you both would define it. So do what you need to do to be happy TODAY. Just today. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

I don't think I'm that bitter when he's not around. I don't talk about him much unless...

Well, he's not around when you blog so I'll challenge you on that. I get venting, MB. I'm not advising you to not do that. If you think bitter with him or without him, it's affecting you. It's getting in your way of being close to others because you're still butt hurt but letting it come out as anger.

or if there is some past event I'm trying to put in its proper place as part of my processing process. What was real? What wasn't?

I'll answer this. Yes, you both did wrong in your marriage. It was real. End of story.

Where did I go wrong?

This, too, is a work in progress. Haven't you been doing this all along? What grand conclusions have you reached? Will they help you today? Or tomorrow? What kind of feelings are associated with this processing? How are you processing them? By processing, I mean literally replaying and then leaving the past in the past. It's helpful to have a game review if it helps you come up with a plan from this day forward. But if you want to review the breakdown of the 2014 Superbowl (I'd rather not, BTW), what value is in it for you? If the value is to assign blame or wield the hammer of judgement, MOVE ON.

What is his?

Not your place, and it certainly won't be of help processing.

Now, let me have a bite of our lunch dessert. 'Cause I need to ask you a really personal question. Is the reason you do this because you feel judged by others so much that you have to judge him and also to have him know you have weighed in on the judgement? I'm handing the fork back to you to mull over.

For what it's worth, I am a very different person from who I was even only three years ago, and a lot of that is due to the kindness of people weighing in here. I do take a little pride in that.

I believe it. Hopefully, we all get some wisdom along the way. But every single one of us is a work in process, you know? When you quit growing, you die.