I just re-read through a bunch of the earlier emails at the start of our relationship, first few years.
It's so much more simple. He's not a sociopath. He's just not equipped himself with the tools to handle things well or behave well, despite all his best intentions. Even in the first year of being ridiculously in love, he felt like I wasn't happy with him. It was true. He did try and he did try to love me.
By the time that fight happened, he just didn't care to try anymore. That's all there is to it. It's ok, I am not going to feel like it was my fault or that this could have ended any other way. Or that if I could have let it slide, we would have had any less rollercoaster or fights, or he would have used any other tactics in trying to control.
I think he did the best he could to love me well. Just didn't have the skills, lost in emotional immaturity and laziness. I want to be at peace over it and imagine that if I was softer and gentler in my approaches, that he still would have found a way to elude responsibility.
When does it not hurt anymore?
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
