Alpha - rollercoasting #3

[alpha99]

MIL is in the background, and solicitor in the family, and some of her moves do smell of having gotten advice from them. I am a loving, caring father. without being big headed I can't see how I could have been a better father, and everyone we know agrees. Maybe the problem in our R has been focusing on the kids too much, as well as other things of course.

I've felt really low today...done a bit of crying to myself.

[Starsky309]

And I'm not trying to beat you up, Alpha -- just pointing out how your actions (RE-actions, actually) have consequences. You've been advised repeatedly on your threads to get your emotions under control when dealing with your wife, and it will take some consistency in that regard before she fully trusts you with them.

Whether or not she REALLY doesn't trust you, or whether she's using your ill-advised suicide threats as mere legal leverage against you, I cannot determine. But either way, her position is reasonable I think.

Just my opinion.


Starsky

[mvgfwd2]

Building trust takes time by continually demonstrating trustworthiness. Anything to detract from trustworthiness puts you back at the start point.

[Starsky309]

Especially when one is dealing with a wayward, who's basically trying to play "gotcha" to begin with.

[mvgfwd2]

yep, If you say you are going to do something, be somewhere, etc. Do it!, be there, be on time, no excuses, no BS.

[twinmom]

Ok I just want to make something clear........
I am TOTALLY 110% with your wife on not letting you be alone with the kids. That is why the parenting plan I suggested had all visits in the presence of family/school......

I don't see why your wife shouldn't let the kids be with you AND your parents/sister (ie not just your wife being the parenting time supervisor) BUT there is no way I would say she is just playing a power card WITHOUT reason......

You have to get your reactions under control! And the first part of that is realizing your mistakes and owning them.

[Starsky309]

Sounds reasonable, Twinmom.

[alpha99]

Thanks for all the comments everyone. I think we are nearing this thread becoming locked so I will start a new one.

As ever you're all right. I don't feel bad in any way at all if I get criticism here. I appreciate it all and try to implement your advice whenever I can.

I understand I need to rebuild her trust.

We went out for a meal on Friday with the kids and that should have gone some way to slowly restoring her trust. I feel rough at the moment, rather than being back at the start line, I feel like the start line has been moved back somewhat and I'm further than ever from getting where I would like to be.

I really need to get a grip of my emotions/reactions. I believe that since last week I've begun to do that. Of course, as you've all said, it will take time for my W to see and believe that.

[Jefe]

The best way I know to tell you to help get your emotions/reactions under control is to stop taking everything she does as personal. Remove yourself from the equation. You wouldn't react in a hostile or controlling manner to someone who has cancer and is not relating to the world around them appropriately. This really isn't any different.

She is not well at the moment and she is basing all of her decisions on what she thinks is best and safest from her perspective. It makes no difference whether all of us and everyone around her thinks every single decision is completely wrong/immoral/dumb/ whatever. They're her decisions, and all that matter to her at the moment and every single one is the RIGHT one as far as she's concerned.
Start to grasp that and your reactions towards will start to change.

[alpha99]

Great advice Jefe.

I have read that sort of thing before but with going through so much information in such a short time it is something that has slipped through the net. In my next interactions with her I will bear in mind that she is not well at the moment. I'm sure that will it a lot easier to see things from a new perspective and not get so emotionally involved in every word and meeting.

EDIT: As a means of motivation and inspiration, I have been looking through the forum and coming across threads where people seem to be making some progress. I then look back at their first posts where they state how hopeless things are and what a mess they are, and it fills me with hope that no matter how bad things appear at the moment there is always the *chance* that if things go well one day I might get where I want to be.