Maybell XXXII

[Underdog]

Sigh. Raliced said it as nicely as it could possibly be put, Maybell. Warning: I am not going to be as nice as she. It's time for some tough love.

My Aries sister, you are undoubtedly the worst at letting go as anyone I've ever seen. I thought *I* was bad. You return to the scene of the train wreck more than the average bear. What is the payoff for you to continue this insane and heartbreaking ritual? Seriously. What do you get out of this?

This is why I ask you every so often if you've found an IC to help you through this. If you were a victim of a crime, I'd be advising you to work with victim advocacy. Consider the IC in that role, sweetie, because staying on this path is toxic and harmful to everyone in your circle of influence. You deserve better than how you're treating yourself. And more importantly, your kids deserve to have a mom who is functioning at 100% emotionally. I realize that this process is painful.

I want you to think about the you that you want others to see. Do you want people to avoid you because you radiate the outrage and bitterness? You know the person... everyone knows someone who had something unfortunate happen to them that became their lynchpin to staying stuck and the excuse why they couldn't do or be X. It is always someone else's fault that they choose bitterness over betterness. Do you want to be that person, Maybell?

It's not that he deserves mercy, Maybell (though I believe that most people deserve it at some point in their life). It's that YOU deserve mercy.

Still, I don't like being so hostile, although I AM doing it for my own self-protection. It gives him a sense of being more powerful than he deserves.

This is total BS and the ego talking.

It makes me look kind of petty and unforgiving. It makes me feel like a person I don't want to be after he leaves.

Uh huh.

But I don't want to be any nicer to him. I hate that he is putting me through this. It's maybe not OK, but I want to be absolutely sure that he does not think I am AT ALL OK with the choices he's made. I don't want him to think for one bloody little second that I am willing to be friendly to a guy who cheated on his wife and tore up his children's home without even investigating how he could make his life work without destroying so much.

Sigh. OK. We know this, you know this, your kids know this, your H knows this. So you don't want what you got? Check. Maybell, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US who posts here has felt the same way. You just can't stay in this place. This place is groundhog day.

I wouldn't treat an acquaintance with his history any friendlier than I treat him.

This is also BS, Maybell. You probably treat the woman who accidentally rams your car with her shopping cart better than this. It's not a reflection of your H, Maybell. THIS IS A REFLECTION OF WHO YOU WANT TO BE. So your H did the unthinkable. Okay. This forum is filled with people who share this journey with you (myself included). But it doesn't give you the excuse to choose to act like a biatch because you're hurt. It would be far more helpful if you were to go to your H and tell him, "This has hurt me more than you'll ever know. I'm struggling with managing my hurt." I'd understand that a whole lot more because it's authentic.

But you don't get a do-over in this life, Maybell. You're in your early 40s. There is still time to find a deep, true love that you want, need and deserve. But this type of thinking is like garlic to the vampires. Five years are going to pass quickly, and then you're going to turn 50. Who do you want to be then? What's your road map to get there? No excuses, Maybell. It's time to pull up the bootstraps and make a plan. You'll never get these years back. Make them worthwhile.

Since you're into the spiritual, did you know that being Aries means we are the sign of being reborn? When I went to a medium 12 years ago, he told me that I wouldn't recognize myself in 10 years. I found that incredibly difficult to believe. Friday before last, I went to a spiritual fair and got myself a new reading. The first thing she said to me was, "What was the impetus for your change? You're a totally different person than you were 10 years ago." I was a little taken aback. It's true, BTW.

And NONE OF IT would have been possible without this journey. Apparently, like you, I learn things the hard way. I just decided I don't want to be as unhappy in the last half of my life. You're being handed that golden opportunity to figure out how you want to live your life from here on. You can stay the same and want nothing to change and probably wake up dissatisfied when you're 50 or 60. Or you can change and grow. Your choice.

BTW, Raliced, Mr. W. and I started our drop offs the same way as you. When my oldest told him how much it bothered her to see him be so cold, he changed his tune. We started out like all of you. Bitterness, resentment, fear and ego ruled our world. Until power was taken back.

Oh, one more thing, MB. My hardline in dating now is that he can't hate his XW. Why? Because that means his energy is still being diverted into an emotion that keeps him stuck. I deserve better. I'm not giving anyone any energy that isn't coming back to our R.

I truly am sorry if any of this seems unusually harsh. It's not something I enjoy doing. If you were a casual poster, I'd just not read you anymore and move on. But I feel connected with you, and if you were a friend IRL, I'd have this conversation with you over lunch, as my friend, and someone who is important to me.

Hugs-Betsey